Folger Shakespeare Library. Twelfth Night from Folger Digital Texts. Ed. Barbara Mowat, Paul Werstine, Michael Poston, and Rebecca Niles. Folger Shakespeare Library, 21 January, 2018. www.folgerdigitaltexts.org To download the entire play as a PDF file, click here. Contents: Act I Act II Act III Act IV Act V ACT 1 Scene 1 Enter Orsino, Duke of Illyria, Curio, and other Lords, with Musicians playing. ORSINO If music be the food of love, play on. Give me excess of it, that, surfeiting, The appetite may sicken and so die. That strain again! It had a dying fall. O, it came o’er my ear like the sweet sound 5 That breathes upon a bank of violets, Stealing and giving odor. Enough; no more. ’Tis not so sweet now as it was before. O spirit of love, how quick and fresh art thou, That, notwithstanding thy capacity 10 Receiveth as the sea, naught enters there, Of what validity and pitch soe’er, But falls into abatement and low price Even in a minute. So full of shapes is fancy That it alone is high fantastical. 15 CURIO Will you go hunt, my lord? ORSINO What, Curio? CURIO The hart. ORSINO Why, so I do, the noblest that I have. O, when mine eyes did see Olivia first, 20 Methought she purged the air of pestilence. That instant was I turned into a hart, And my desires, like fell and cruel hounds, E’er since pursue me. Enter Valentine. How now, what news from her? 25 VALENTINE So please my lord, I might not be admitted, But from her handmaid do return this answer: The element itself, till seven years’ heat, Shall not behold her face at ample view, But like a cloistress she will veilèd walk, 30 And water once a day her chamber round With eye-offending brine—all this to season A brother’s dead love, which she would keep fresh And lasting in her sad remembrance. ORSINO O, she that hath a heart of that fine frame 35 To pay this debt of love but to a brother, How will she love when the rich golden shaft Hath killed the flock of all affections else That live in her; when liver, brain, and heart, These sovereign thrones, are all supplied, and filled 40 Her sweet perfections with one self king! Away before me to sweet beds of flowers! Love thoughts lie rich when canopied with bowers. They exit. Scene 2 Enter Viola, a Captain, and Sailors. VIOLA What country, friends, is this? CAPTAIN This is Illyria, lady. VIOLA And what should I do in Illyria? My brother he is in Elysium. Perchance he is not drowned.—What think you, 5 sailors? CAPTAIN It is perchance that you yourself were saved. VIOLA O, my poor brother! And so perchance may he be. CAPTAIN True, madam. And to comfort you with chance, Assure yourself, after our ship did split, 10 When you and those poor number saved with you Hung on our driving boat, I saw your brother, Most provident in peril, bind himself (Courage and hope both teaching him the practice) To a strong mast that lived upon the sea, 15 Where, like Arion on the dolphin’s back, I saw him hold acquaintance with the waves So long as I could see. VIOLA, giving him money For saying so, there’s gold. Mine own escape unfoldeth to my hope, 20 Whereto thy speech serves for authority, The like of him. Know’st thou this country? CAPTAIN Ay, madam, well, for I was bred and born Not three hours’ travel from this very place. VIOLA Who governs here? 25 CAPTAIN A noble duke, in nature as in name. VIOLA What is his name? CAPTAIN Orsino. VIOLA Orsino. I have heard my father name him. He was a bachelor then. 30 CAPTAIN And so is now, or was so very late; For but a month ago I went from hence, And then ’twas fresh in murmur (as, you know, What great ones do the less will prattle of) That he did seek the love of fair Olivia. 35 VIOLA What’s she? CAPTAIN A virtuous maid, the daughter of a count That died some twelvemonth since, then leaving her In the protection of his son, her brother, Who shortly also died, for whose dear love, 40 They say, she hath abjured the sight And company of men. VIOLA O, that I served that lady, And might not be delivered to the world Till I had made mine own occasion mellow, 45 What my estate is. CAPTAIN That were hard to compass Because she will admit no kind of suit, No, not the Duke’s. VIOLA There is a fair behavior in thee, captain, 50 And though that nature with a beauteous wall Doth oft close in pollution, yet of thee I will believe thou hast a mind that suits With this thy fair and outward character. I prithee—and I’ll pay thee bounteously— 55 Conceal me what I am, and be my aid For such disguise as haply shall become The form of my intent. I’ll serve this duke. Thou shalt present me as an eunuch to him. It may be worth thy pains, for I can sing 60 And speak to him in many sorts of music That will allow me very worth his service. What else may hap, to time I will commit. Only shape thou thy silence to my wit. CAPTAIN Be you his eunuch, and your mute I’ll be. 65 When my tongue blabs, then let mine eyes not see. VIOLA I thank thee. Lead me on. They exit. Scene 3 Enter Sir Toby and Maria. TOBY What a plague means my niece to take the death of her brother thus? I am sure care’s an enemy to life. MARIA By my troth, Sir Toby, you must come in earlier o’ nights. Your cousin, my lady, takes great exceptions 5 to your ill hours. TOBY Why, let her except before excepted! MARIA Ay, but you must confine yourself within the modest limits of order. TOBY Confine? I’ll confine myself no finer than I am. 10 These clothes are good enough to drink in, and so be these boots too. An they be not, let them hang themselves in their own straps! MARIA That quaffing and drinking will undo you. I heard my lady talk of it yesterday, and of a foolish 15 knight that you brought in one night here to be her wooer. TOBY Who, Sir Andrew Aguecheek? MARIA Ay, he. TOBY He’s as tall a man as any ’s in Illyria. 20 MARIA What’s that to th’ purpose? TOBY Why, he has three thousand ducats a year! MARIA Ay, but he’ll have but a year in all these ducats. He’s a very fool and a prodigal. TOBY Fie that you’ll say so! He plays o’ th’ viol-de-gamboys 25 and speaks three or four languages word for word without book, and hath all the good gifts of nature. MARIA He hath indeed, almost natural, for, besides that he’s a fool, he’s a great quarreler, and, but that 30 he hath the gift of a coward to allay the gust he hath in quarreling, ’tis thought among the prudent he would quickly have the gift of a grave. TOBY By this hand, they are scoundrels and substractors that say so of him. Who are they? 35 MARIA They that add, moreover, he’s drunk nightly in your company. TOBY With drinking healths to my niece. I’ll drink to her as long as there is a passage in my throat and drink in Illyria. He’s a coward and a coistrel that 40 will not drink to my niece till his brains turn o’ th’ toe like a parish top. What, wench! Castiliano vulgo, for here comes Sir Andrew Agueface. Enter Sir Andrew. ANDREW Sir Toby Belch! How now, Sir Toby Belch? TOBY Sweet Sir Andrew! 45 ANDREW, to Maria Bless you, fair shrew. MARIA And you too, sir. TOBY Accost, Sir Andrew, accost! ANDREW What’s that? TOBY My niece’s chambermaid. 50 ANDREW Good Mistress Accost, I desire better acquaintance. MARIA My name is Mary, sir. ANDREW Good Mistress Mary Accost— TOBY You mistake, knight. “Accost” is front her, board 55 her, woo her, assail her. ANDREW By my troth, I would not undertake her in this company. Is that the meaning of “accost”? MARIA Fare you well, gentlemen. She begins to exit. TOBY An thou let part so, Sir Andrew, would thou 60 mightst never draw sword again. ANDREW An you part so, mistress, I would I might never draw sword again. Fair lady, do you think you have fools in hand? MARIA Sir, I have not you by th’ hand. 65 ANDREW Marry, but you shall have, and here’s my hand. He offers his hand. MARIA, taking his hand Now sir, thought is free. I pray you, bring your hand to th’ butt’ry bar and let it drink. 70 ANDREW Wherefore, sweetheart? What’s your metaphor? MARIA It’s dry, sir. ANDREW Why, I think so. I am not such an ass but I can keep my hand dry. But what’s your jest? 75 MARIA A dry jest, sir. ANDREW Are you full of them? MARIA Ay, sir, I have them at my fingers’ ends. Marry, now I let go your hand, I am barren. Maria exits. TOBY O knight, thou lack’st a cup of canary! When did 80 I see thee so put down? ANDREW Never in your life, I think, unless you see canary put me down. Methinks sometimes I have no more wit than a Christian or an ordinary man has. But I am a great eater of beef, and I believe that 85 does harm to my wit. TOBY No question. ANDREW An I thought that, I’d forswear it. I’ll ride home tomorrow, Sir Toby. TOBY Pourquoi, my dear knight? 90 ANDREW What is “pourquoi”? Do, or not do? I would I had bestowed that time in the tongues that I have in fencing, dancing, and bearbaiting. O, had I but followed the arts! TOBY Then hadst thou had an excellent head of hair. 95 ANDREW Why, would that have mended my hair? TOBY Past question, for thou seest it will not curl by nature. ANDREW But it becomes me well enough, does ’t not? TOBY Excellent! It hangs like flax on a distaff, and I 100 hope to see a huswife take thee between her legs and spin it off. ANDREW Faith, I’ll home tomorrow, Sir Toby. Your niece will not be seen, or if she be, it’s four to one she’ll none of me. The Count himself here hard by 105 woos her. TOBY She’ll none o’ th’ Count. She’ll not match above her degree, neither in estate, years, nor wit. I have heard her swear ’t. Tut, there’s life in ’t, man. ANDREW I’ll stay a month longer. I am a fellow o’ th’ 110 strangest mind i’ th’ world. I delight in masques and revels sometimes altogether. TOBY Art thou good at these kickshawses, knight? ANDREW As any man in Illyria, whatsoever he be, under the degree of my betters, and yet I will not 115 compare with an old man. TOBY What is thy excellence in a galliard, knight? ANDREW Faith, I can cut a caper. TOBY And I can cut the mutton to ’t. ANDREW And I think I have the back-trick simply as 120 strong as any man in Illyria. TOBY Wherefore are these things hid? Wherefore have these gifts a curtain before ’em? Are they like to take dust, like Mistress Mall’s picture? Why dost thou not go to church in a galliard and come home 125 in a coranto? My very walk should be a jig. I would not so much as make water but in a sink-a-pace. What dost thou mean? Is it a world to hide virtues in? I did think, by the excellent constitution of thy leg, it was formed under the star of a galliard. 130 ANDREW Ay, ’tis strong, and it does indifferent well in a dun-colored stock. Shall we set about some revels? TOBY What shall we do else? Were we not born under Taurus? 135 ANDREW Taurus? That’s sides and heart. TOBY No, sir, it is legs and thighs. Let me see thee caper. Sir Andrew dances. Ha, higher! Ha, ha, excellent! They exit. Scene 4 Enter Valentine, and Viola in man’s attire as Cesario. VALENTINE If the Duke continue these favors towards you, Cesario, you are like to be much advanced. He hath known you but three days, and already you are no stranger. VIOLA You either fear his humor or my negligence, that 5 you call in question the continuance of his love. Is he inconstant, sir, in his favors? VALENTINE No, believe me. VIOLA I thank you. Enter Orsino, Curio, and Attendants. Here comes the Count. 10 ORSINO Who saw Cesario, ho? VIOLA On your attendance, my lord, here. ORSINO, to Curio and Attendants Stand you awhile aloof.—Cesario, Thou know’st no less but all. I have unclasped To thee the book even of my secret soul. 15 Therefore, good youth, address thy gait unto her. Be not denied access. Stand at her doors And tell them, there thy fixèd foot shall grow Till thou have audience. VIOLA Sure, my noble lord, 20 If she be so abandoned to her sorrow As it is spoke, she never will admit me. ORSINO Be clamorous and leap all civil bounds Rather than make unprofited return. VIOLA Say I do speak with her, my lord, what then? 25 ORSINO O, then unfold the passion of my love. Surprise her with discourse of my dear faith. It shall become thee well to act my woes. She will attend it better in thy youth Than in a nuncio’s of more grave aspect. 30 VIOLA I think not so, my lord. ORSINO Dear lad, believe it; For they shall yet belie thy happy years That say thou art a man. Diana’s lip Is not more smooth and rubious, thy small pipe 35 Is as the maiden’s organ, shrill and sound, And all is semblative a womans part. I know thy constellation is right apt For this affair.—Some four or five attend him, All, if you will, for I myself am best 40 When least in company.—Prosper well in this And thou shalt live as freely as thy lord, To call his fortunes thine. VIOLA I’ll do my best To woo your lady. Aside. Yet a barful strife! 45 Whoe’er I woo, myself would be his wife. They exit. Scene 5 Enter Maria and Feste, the Fool. MARIA Nay, either tell me where thou hast been, or I will not open my lips so wide as a bristle may enter in way of thy excuse. My lady will hang thee for thy absence. FOOL Let her hang me. He that is well hanged in this 5 world needs to fear no colors. MARIA Make that good. FOOL He shall see none to fear. MARIA A good Lenten answer. I can tell thee where that saying was born, of “I fear no colors.” 10 FOOL Where, good Mistress Mary? MARIA In the wars; and that may you be bold to say in your foolery. FOOL Well, God give them wisdom that have it, and those that are Fools, let them use their talents. 15 MARIA Yet you will be hanged for being so long absent. Or to be turned away, is not that as good as a hanging to you? FOOL Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage, and, for turning away, let summer bear it out. 20 MARIA You are resolute, then? FOOL Not so, neither, but I am resolved on two points. MARIA That if one break, the other will hold, or if both break, your gaskins fall. FOOL Apt, in good faith, very apt. Well, go thy way. If Sir 25 Toby would leave drinking, thou wert as witty a piece of Eve’s flesh as any in Illyria. MARIA Peace, you rogue. No more o’ that. Here comes my lady. Make your excuse wisely, you were best. She exits. Enter Lady Olivia with Malvolio and Attendants. FOOL, aside Wit, an ’t be thy will, put me into good 30 fooling! Those wits that think they have thee do very oft prove fools, and I that am sure I lack thee may pass for a wise man. For what says Quinapalus? “Better a witty Fool than a foolish wit.”—God bless thee, lady! 35 OLIVIA Take the Fool away. FOOL Do you not hear, fellows? Take away the Lady. OLIVIA Go to, you’re a dry Fool. I’ll no more of you. Besides, you grow dishonest. FOOL Two faults, madonna, that drink and good counsel 40 will amend. For give the dry Fool drink, then is the Fool not dry. Bid the dishonest man mend himself; if he mend, he is no longer dishonest; if he cannot, let the botcher mend him. Anything that’s mended is but patched; virtue that transgresses is 45 but patched with sin, and sin that amends is but patched with virtue. If that this simple syllogism will serve, so; if it will not, what remedy? As there is no true cuckold but calamity, so beauty’s a flower. The Lady bade take away the Fool. Therefore, I say 50 again, take her away. OLIVIA Sir, I bade them take away you. FOOL Misprision in the highest degree! Lady, cucullus non facit monachum. That’s as much to say as, I wear not motley in my brain. Good madonna, give 55 me leave to prove you a fool. OLIVIA Can you do it? FOOL Dexteriously, good madonna. OLIVIA Make your proof. FOOL I must catechize you for it, madonna. Good my 60 mouse of virtue, answer me. OLIVIA Well, sir, for want of other idleness, I’ll bide your proof. FOOL Good madonna, why mourn’st thou? OLIVIA Good Fool, for my brother’s death. 65 FOOL I think his soul is in hell, madonna. OLIVIA I know his soul is in heaven, Fool. FOOL The more fool, madonna, to mourn for your brother’s soul, being in heaven. Take away the fool, gentlemen. 70 OLIVIA What think you of this Fool, Malvolio? Doth he not mend? MALVOLIO Yes, and shall do till the pangs of death shake him. Infirmity, that decays the wise, doth ever make the better Fool. 75 FOOL God send you, sir, a speedy infirmity, for the better increasing your folly! Sir Toby will be sworn that I am no fox, but he will not pass his word for twopence that you are no fool. OLIVIA How say you to that, Malvolio? 80 MALVOLIO I marvel your Ladyship takes delight in such a barren rascal. I saw him put down the other day with an ordinary fool that has no more brain than a stone. Look you now, he’s out of his guard already. Unless you laugh and minister occasion to 85 him, he is gagged. I protest I take these wise men that crow so at these set kind of Fools no better than the Fools’ zanies. OLIVIA O, you are sick of self-love, Malvolio, and taste with a distempered appetite. To be generous, guiltless, 90 and of free disposition is to take those things for bird-bolts that you deem cannon bullets. There is no slander in an allowed Fool, though he do nothing but rail; nor no railing in a known discreet man, though he do nothing but reprove. 95 FOOL Now Mercury endue thee with leasing, for thou speak’st well of Fools! Enter Maria. MARIA Madam, there is at the gate a young gentleman much desires to speak with you. OLIVIA From the Count Orsino, is it? 100 MARIA I know not, madam. ’Tis a fair young man, and well attended. OLIVIA Who of my people hold him in delay? MARIA Sir Toby, madam, your kinsman. OLIVIA Fetch him off, I pray you. He speaks nothing 105 but madman. Fie on him! Maria exits. Go you, Malvolio. If it be a suit from the Count, I am sick, or not at home; what you will, to dismiss it. (Malvolio exits.) Now you see, sir, how your fooling grows old, and people dislike it. 110 FOOL Thou hast spoke for us, madonna, as if thy eldest son should be a Fool, whose skull Jove cram with brains, for—here he comes—one of thy kin has a most weak pia mater. Enter Sir Toby. OLIVIA By mine honor, half drunk!—What is he at the 115 gate, cousin? TOBY A gentleman. OLIVIA A gentleman? What gentleman? TOBY ’Tis a gentleman here—a plague o’ these pickle herring!—How now, sot? 120 FOOL Good Sir Toby. OLIVIA Cousin, cousin, how have you come so early by this lethargy? TOBY Lechery? I defy lechery. There’s one at the gate. OLIVIA Ay, marry, what is he? 125 TOBY Let him be the devil an he will, I care not. Give me faith, say I. Well, it’s all one. He exits. OLIVIA What’s a drunken man like, Fool? FOOL Like a drowned man, a fool, and a madman. One draught above heat makes him a fool, the second 130 mads him, and a third drowns him. OLIVIA Go thou and seek the crowner and let him sit o’ my coz, for he’s in the third degree of drink: he’s drowned. Go look after him. FOOL He is but mad yet, madonna, and the Fool shall 135 look to the madman. He exits. Enter Malvolio. MALVOLIO Madam, yond young fellow swears he will speak with you. I told him you were sick; he takes on him to understand so much, and therefore comes to speak with you. I told him you were 140 asleep; he seems to have a foreknowledge of that too, and therefore comes to speak with you. What is to be said to him, lady? He’s fortified against any denial. OLIVIA Tell him he shall not speak with me. 145 MALVOLIO Has been told so, and he says he’ll stand at your door like a sheriff’s post and be the supporter to a bench, but he’ll speak with you. OLIVIA What kind o’ man is he? MALVOLIO Why, of mankind. 150 OLIVIA What manner of man? MALVOLIO Of very ill manner. He’ll speak with you, will you or no. OLIVIA Of what personage and years is he? MALVOLIO Not yet old enough for a man, nor young 155 enough for a boy—as a squash is before ’tis a peascod, or a codling when ’tis almost an apple. ’Tis with him in standing water, between boy and man. He is very well-favored, and he speaks very shrewishly. One would think his mother’s milk were 160 scarce out of him. OLIVIA Let him approach. Call in my gentlewoman. MALVOLIO Gentlewoman, my lady calls. He exits. Enter Maria. OLIVIA Give me my veil. Come, throw it o’er my face. Olivia veils. We’ll once more hear Orsino’s embassy. 165 Enter Viola. VIOLA The honorable lady of the house, which is she? OLIVIA Speak to me. I shall answer for her. Your will? VIOLA Most radiant, exquisite, and unmatchable beauty—I pray you, tell me if this be the lady of the house, for I never saw her. I would be loath to cast 170 away my speech, for, besides that it is excellently well penned, I have taken great pains to con it. Good beauties, let me sustain no scorn. I am very comptible even to the least sinister usage. OLIVIA Whence came you, sir? 175 VIOLA I can say little more than I have studied, and that question’s out of my part. Good gentle one, give me modest assurance if you be the lady of the house, that I may proceed in my speech. OLIVIA Are you a comedian? 180 VIOLA No, my profound heart. And yet by the very fangs of malice I swear I am not that I play. Are you the lady of the house? OLIVIA If I do not usurp myself, I am. VIOLA Most certain, if you are she, you do usurp 185 yourself, for what is yours to bestow is not yours to reserve. But this is from my commission. I will on with my speech in your praise and then show you the heart of my message. OLIVIA Come to what is important in ’t. I forgive you 190 the praise. VIOLA Alas, I took great pains to study it, and ’tis poetical. OLIVIA It is the more like to be feigned. I pray you, keep it in. I heard you were saucy at my gates, and 195 allowed your approach rather to wonder at you than to hear you. If you be not mad, begone; if you have reason, be brief. ’Tis not that time of moon with me to make one in so skipping a dialogue. MARIA Will you hoist sail, sir? Here lies your way. 200 VIOLA No, good swabber, I am to hull here a little longer.—Some mollification for your giant, sweet lady. OLIVIA Tell me your mind. VIOLA I am a messenger. 205 OLIVIA Sure you have some hideous matter to deliver when the courtesy of it is so fearful. Speak your office. VIOLA It alone concerns your ear. I bring no overture of war, no taxation of homage. I hold the olive in 210 my hand. My words are as full of peace as matter. OLIVIA Yet you began rudely. What are you? What would you? VIOLA The rudeness that hath appeared in me have I learned from my entertainment. What I am and 215 what I would are as secret as maidenhead: to your ears, divinity; to any other’s, profanation. OLIVIA Give us the place alone. We will hear this divinity. Maria and Attendants exit. Now, sir, what is your text? 220 VIOLA Most sweet lady— OLIVIA A comfortable doctrine, and much may be said of it. Where lies your text? VIOLA In Orsino’s bosom. OLIVIA In his bosom? In what chapter of his bosom? 225 VIOLA To answer by the method, in the first of his heart. OLIVIA O, I have read it; it is heresy. Have you no more to say? VIOLA Good madam, let me see your face. OLIVIA Have you any commission from your lord to 230 negotiate with my face? You are now out of your text. But we will draw the curtain and show you the picture. She removes her veil. Look you, sir, such a one I was this present. Is ’t not well done? VIOLA Excellently done, if God did all. 235 OLIVIA ’Tis in grain, sir; ’twill endure wind and weather. VIOLA ’Tis beauty truly blent, whose red and white Nature’s own sweet and cunning hand laid on. Lady, you are the cruel’st she alive 240 If you will lead these graces to the grave And leave the world no copy. OLIVIA O, sir, I will not be so hard-hearted! I will give out divers schedules of my beauty. It shall be inventoried and every particle and utensil labeled 245 to my will: as, item, two lips indifferent red; item, two gray eyes with lids to them; item, one neck, one chin, and so forth. Were you sent hither to praise me? VIOLA I see you what you are. You are too proud. 250 But if you were the devil you are fair. My lord and master loves you. O, such love Could be but recompensed though you were crowned The nonpareil of beauty. 255 OLIVIA How does he love me? VIOLA With adorations, fertile tears, With groans that thunder love, with sighs of fire. OLIVIA Your lord does know my mind. I cannot love him. Yet I suppose him virtuous, know him noble, 260 Of great estate, of fresh and stainless youth; In voices well divulged, free, learned, and valiant, And in dimension and the shape of nature A gracious person. But yet I cannot love him. He might have took his answer long ago. 265 VIOLA If I did love you in my master’s flame, With such a suff’ring, such a deadly life, In your denial I would find no sense. I would not understand it. OLIVIA Why, what would you? 270 VIOLA Make me a willow cabin at your gate And call upon my soul within the house, Write loyal cantons of contemnèd love And sing them loud even in the dead of night, Hallow your name to the reverberate hills 275 And make the babbling gossip of the air Cry out “Olivia!” O, you should not rest Between the elements of air and earth But you should pity me. OLIVIA You might do much. 280 What is your parentage? VIOLA Above my fortunes, yet my state is well. I am a gentleman. OLIVIA Get you to your lord. I cannot love him. Let him send no more— 285 Unless perchance you come to me again To tell me how he takes it. Fare you well. I thank you for your pains. Spend this for me. She offers money. VIOLA I am no fee’d post, lady. Keep your purse. My master, not myself, lacks recompense. 290 Love make his heart of flint that you shall love, And let your fervor, like my master’s, be Placed in contempt. Farewell, fair cruelty. She exits. OLIVIA “What is your parentage?” “Above my fortunes, yet my state is well. 295 I am a gentleman.” I’ll be sworn thou art. Thy tongue, thy face, thy limbs, actions, and spirit Do give thee fivefold blazon. Not too fast! Soft, soft! Unless the master were the man. How now? 300 Even so quickly may one catch the plague? Methinks I feel this youth’s perfections With an invisible and subtle stealth To creep in at mine eyes. Well, let it be.— What ho, Malvolio! 305 Enter Malvolio. MALVOLIO Here, madam, at your service. OLIVIA Run after that same peevish messenger, The County’s man. He left this ring behind him, Would I or not. Tell him I’ll none of it. She hands him a ring. Desire him not to flatter with his lord, 310 Nor hold him up with hopes. I am not for him. If that the youth will come this way tomorrow, I’ll give him reasons for ’t. Hie thee, Malvolio. MALVOLIO Madam, I will. He exits. OLIVIA I do I know not what, and fear to find 315 Mine eye too great a flatterer for my mind. Fate, show thy force. Ourselves we do not owe. What is decreed must be, and be this so. She exits. ACT 2 Scene 1 Enter Antonio and Sebastian. ANTONIO Will you stay no longer? Nor will you not that I go with you? SEBASTIAN By your patience, no. My stars shine darkly over me. The malignancy of my fate might perhaps distemper yours. Therefore I shall crave of you your 5 leave that I may bear my evils alone. It were a bad recompense for your love to lay any of them on you. ANTONIO Let me yet know of you whither you are bound. SEBASTIAN No, sooth, sir. My determinate voyage is 10 mere extravagancy. But I perceive in you so excellent a touch of modesty that you will not extort from me what I am willing to keep in. Therefore it charges me in manners the rather to express myself. You must know of me, then, Antonio, my name 15 is Sebastian, which I called Roderigo. My father was that Sebastian of Messaline whom I know you have heard of. He left behind him myself and a sister, both born in an hour. If the heavens had been pleased, would we had so ended! But you, sir, 20 altered that, for some hour before you took me from the breach of the sea was my sister drowned. ANTONIO Alas the day! SEBASTIAN A lady, sir, though it was said she much resembled me, was yet of many accounted beautiful. 25 But though I could not with such estimable wonder overfar believe that, yet thus far I will boldly publish her: she bore a mind that envy could not but call fair. She is drowned already, sir, with salt water, though I seem to drown her remembrance again 30 with more. ANTONIO Pardon me, sir, your bad entertainment. SEBASTIAN O good Antonio, forgive me your trouble. ANTONIO If you will not murder me for my love, let me be your servant. 35 SEBASTIAN If you will not undo what you have done— that is, kill him whom you have recovered—desire it not. Fare you well at once. My bosom is full of kindness, and I am yet so near the manners of my mother that, upon the least occasion more, mine 40 eyes will tell tales of me. I am bound to the Count Orsino’s court. Farewell. He exits. ANTONIO The gentleness of all the gods go with thee! I have many enemies in Orsino’s court, Else would I very shortly see thee there. 45 But come what may, I do adore thee so That danger shall seem sport, and I will go. He exits. Scene 2 Enter Viola and Malvolio, at several doors. MALVOLIO Were not you even now with the Countess Olivia? VIOLA Even now, sir. On a moderate pace I have since arrived but hither. MALVOLIO She returns this ring to you, sir. You might 5 have saved me my pains to have taken it away yourself. She adds, moreover, that you should put your lord into a desperate assurance she will none of him. And one thing more, that you be never so hardy to come again in his affairs unless it be to 10 report your lord’s taking of this. Receive it so. VIOLA She took the ring of me. I’ll none of it. MALVOLIO Come, sir, you peevishly threw it to her, and her will is it should be so returned. He throws down the ring. If it be worth stooping for, there it 15 lies in your eye; if not, be it his that finds it. He exits. VIOLA I left no ring with her. What means this lady? She picks up the ring. Fortune forbid my outside have not charmed her! She made good view of me, indeed so much That methought her eyes had lost her tongue, 20 For she did speak in starts distractedly. She loves me, sure! The cunning of her passion Invites me in this churlish messenger. None of my lord’s ring? Why, he sent her none! I am the man. If it be so, as ’tis, 25 Poor lady, she were better love a dream. Disguise, I see thou art a wickedness Wherein the pregnant enemy does much. How easy is it for the proper false In women’s waxen hearts to set their forms! 30 Alas, our frailty is the cause, not we, For such as we are made of, such we be. How will this fadge? My master loves her dearly, And I, poor monster, fond as much on him, And she, mistaken, seems to dote on me. 35 What will become of this? As I am man, My state is desperate for my master’s love. As I am woman (now, alas the day!), What thriftless sighs shall poor Olivia breathe! O Time, thou must untangle this, not I. 40 It is too hard a knot for me t’ untie. She exits. Scene 3 Enter Sir Toby and Sir Andrew. TOBY Approach, Sir Andrew. Not to be abed after midnight is to be up betimes, and “diluculo surgere,” thou know’st— ANDREW Nay, by my troth, I know not. But I know to be up late is to be up late. 5 TOBY A false conclusion. I hate it as an unfilled can. To be up after midnight and to go to bed then, is early, so that to go to bed after midnight is to go to bed betimes. Does not our lives consist of the four elements? 10 ANDREW Faith, so they say, but I think it rather consists of eating and drinking. TOBY Thou ’rt a scholar. Let us therefore eat and drink. Marian, I say, a stoup of wine! Enter Feste, the Fool. ANDREW Here comes the Fool, i’ faith. 15 FOOL How now, my hearts? Did you never see the picture of “We Three”? TOBY Welcome, ass! Now let’s have a catch. ANDREW By my troth, the Fool has an excellent breast. I had rather than forty shillings I had such a leg, 20 and so sweet a breath to sing, as the Fool has.—In sooth, thou wast in very gracious fooling last night when thou spok’st of Pigrogromitus of the Vapians passing the equinoctial of Queubus. ’Twas very good, i’ faith. I sent thee sixpence for thy leman. 25 Hadst it? FOOL I did impeticos thy gratillity, for Malvolio’s nose is no whipstock, my lady has a white hand, and the Myrmidons are no bottle-ale houses. ANDREW Excellent! Why, this is the best fooling when 30 all is done. Now, a song! TOBY, giving money to the Fool Come on, there is sixpence for you. Let’s have a song. ANDREW, giving money to the Fool There’s a testril of me, too. If one knight give a— 35 FOOL Would you have a love song or a song of good life? TOBY A love song, a love song. ANDREW Ay, ay, I care not for good life. FOOL sings O mistress mine, where are you roaming? 40 O, stay and hear! Your truelove’s coming, That can sing both high and low. Trip no further, pretty sweeting. Journeys end in lovers meeting, Every wise man’s son doth know. 45 ANDREW Excellent good, i’ faith! TOBY Good, good. FOOL sings What is love? ’Tis not hereafter. Present mirth hath present laughter. What’s to come is still unsure. 50 In delay there lies no plenty, Then come kiss me, sweet and twenty. Youth’s a stuff will not endure. ANDREW A mellifluous voice, as I am true knight. TOBY A contagious breath. 55 ANDREW Very sweet and contagious, i’ faith. TOBY To hear by the nose, it is dulcet in contagion. But shall we make the welkin dance indeed? Shall we rouse the night owl in a catch that will draw three souls out of one weaver? Shall we do that? 60 ANDREW An you love me, let’s do ’t. I am dog at a catch. FOOL By ’r Lady, sir, and some dogs will catch well. ANDREW Most certain. Let our catch be “Thou Knave.” 65 FOOL “Hold thy peace, thou knave,” knight? I shall be constrained in ’t to call thee “knave,” knight. ANDREW ’Tis not the first time I have constrained one to call me “knave.” Begin, Fool. It begins “Hold thy peace.” 70 FOOL I shall never begin if I hold my peace. ANDREW Good, i’ faith. Come, begin. Catch sung. Enter Maria. MARIA What a caterwauling do you keep here! If my lady have not called up her steward Malvolio and bid him turn you out of doors, never trust me. 75 TOBY My lady’s a Cataian, we are politicians, Malvolio’s a Peg-a-Ramsey, and Sings. Three merry men be Am not I consanguineous? Am I not of her blood? Tillyvally! “Lady”! Sings. There dwelt a man in Babylon, lady, lady. 80 FOOL Beshrew me, the knight’s in admirable fooling. ANDREW Ay, he does well enough if he be disposed, and so do I, too. He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural. TOBY sings O’ the twelfth day of December— 85 MARIA For the love o’ God, peace! Enter Malvolio. MALVOLIO My masters, are you mad? Or what are you? Have you no wit, manners, nor honesty but to gabble like tinkers at this time of night? Do you make an ale-house of my lady’s house, that you 90 squeak out your coziers’ catches without any mitigation or remorse of voice? Is there no respect of place, persons, nor time in you? TOBY We did keep time, sir, in our catches. Sneck up! MALVOLIO Sir Toby, I must be round with you. My lady 95 bade me tell you that, though she harbors you as her kinsman, she’s nothing allied to your disorders. If you can separate yourself and your misdemeanors, you are welcome to the house; if not, an it would please you to take leave of her, she is very willing to 100 bid you farewell. TOBY sings Farewell, dear heart, since I must needs be gone. MARIA Nay, good Sir Toby. FOOL sings His eyes do show his days are almost done. MALVOLIO Is ’t even so? 105 TOBY sings But I will never die. FOOL sings Sir Toby, there you lie. MALVOLIO This is much credit to you. TOBY sings Shall I bid him go? FOOL sings What an if you do? 110 TOBY sings Shall I bid him go, and spare not? FOOL sings O no, no, no, no, you dare not. TOBY Out o’ tune, sir? You lie. Art any more than a steward? Dost thou think, because thou art virtuous, there shall be no more cakes and ale? 115 FOOL Yes, by Saint Anne, and ginger shall be hot i’ th’ mouth, too. TOBY Thou ’rt i’ th’ right.—Go, sir, rub your chain with crumbs.—A stoup of wine, Maria! MALVOLIO Mistress Mary, if you prized my lady’s favor 120 at anything more than contempt, you would not give means for this uncivil rule. She shall know of it, by this hand. He exits. MARIA Go shake your ears! ANDREW ’Twere as good a deed as to drink when a 125 man’s a-hungry, to challenge him the field and then to break promise with him and make a fool of him. TOBY Do ’t, knight. I’ll write thee a challenge. Or I’ll deliver thy indignation to him by word of mouth. 130 MARIA Sweet Sir Toby, be patient for tonight. Since the youth of the Count’s was today with my lady, she is much out of quiet. For Monsieur Malvolio, let me alone with him. If I do not gull him into a nayword and make him a common recreation, do not think I 135 have wit enough to lie straight in my bed. I know I can do it. TOBY Possess us, possess us, tell us something of him. MARIA Marry, sir, sometimes he is a kind of puritan. ANDREW O, if I thought that, I’d beat him like a dog! 140 TOBY What, for being a puritan? Thy exquisite reason, dear knight? ANDREW I have no exquisite reason for ’t, but I have reason good enough. MARIA The devil a puritan that he is, or anything 145 constantly but a time-pleaser; an affectioned ass that cons state without book and utters it by great swaths; the best persuaded of himself, so crammed, as he thinks, with excellencies, that it is his grounds of faith that all that look on him love him. And on 150 that vice in him will my revenge find notable cause to work. TOBY What wilt thou do? MARIA I will drop in his way some obscure epistles of love, wherein by the color of his beard, the shape of 155 his leg, the manner of his gait, the expressure of his eye, forehead, and complexion, he shall find himself most feelingly personated. I can write very like my lady your niece; on a forgotten matter, we can hardly make distinction of our hands. 160 TOBY Excellent! I smell a device. ANDREW I have ’t in my nose, too. TOBY He shall think, by the letters that thou wilt drop, that they come from my niece, and that she’s in love with him. 165 MARIA My purpose is indeed a horse of that color. ANDREW And your horse now would make him an ass. MARIA Ass, I doubt not. ANDREW O, ’twill be admirable! MARIA Sport royal, I warrant you. I know my physic 170 will work with him. I will plant you two, and let the Fool make a third, where he shall find the letter. Observe his construction of it. For this night, to bed, and dream on the event. Farewell. TOBY Good night, Penthesilea. She exits. 175 ANDREW Before me, she’s a good wench. TOBY She’s a beagle true bred, and one that adores What o’ that? ANDREW I was adored once, too. TOBY Let’s to bed, knight. Thou hadst need send for 180 more money. ANDREW If I cannot recover your niece, I am a foul way out. TOBY Send for money, knight. If thou hast her not i’ th’ end, call me “Cut.” 185 ANDREW If I do not, never trust me, take it how you will. TOBY Come, come, I’ll go burn some sack. ’Tis too late to go to bed now. Come, knight; come, knight. They exit. Scene 4 Enter Orsino, Viola, Curio, and others. ORSINO Give me some music. Music plays. Now, good morrow, friends.— Now, good Cesario, but that piece of song, That old and antique song we heard last night. Methought it did relieve my passion much, 5 More than light airs and recollected terms Of these most brisk and giddy-pacèd times. Come, but one verse. CURIO He is not here, so please your Lordship, that should sing it. 10 ORSINO Who was it? CURIO Feste the jester, my lord, a Fool that the Lady Olivia’s father took much delight in. He is about the house. ORSINO Seek him out Curio exits, and play the tune the 15 while. Music plays. To Viola. Come hither, boy. If ever thou shalt love, In the sweet pangs of it remember me, For such as I am, all true lovers are, Unstaid and skittish in all motions else 20 Save in the constant image of the creature That is beloved. How dost thou like this tune? VIOLA It gives a very echo to the seat Where love is throned. ORSINO Thou dost speak masterly. 25 My life upon ’t, young though thou art, thine eye Hath stayed upon some favor that it loves. Hath it not, boy? VIOLA A little, by your favor. ORSINO What kind of woman is ’t? 30 VIOLA Of your complexion. ORSINO She is not worth thee, then. What years, i’ faith? VIOLA About your years, my lord. ORSINO Too old, by heaven. Let still the woman take An elder than herself. So wears she to him; 35 So sways she level in her husband’s heart. For, boy, however we do praise ourselves, Our fancies are more giddy and unfirm, More longing, wavering, sooner lost and worn, Than women’s are. 40 VIOLA I think it well, my lord. ORSINO Then let thy love be younger than thyself, Or thy affection cannot hold the bent. For women are as roses, whose fair flower, Being once displayed, doth fall that very hour. 45 VIOLA And so they are. Alas, that they are so, To die even when they to perfection grow! Enter Curio and Feste, the Fool. ORSINO O, fellow, come, the song we had last night.— Mark it, Cesario. It is old and plain; The spinsters and the knitters in the sun 50 And the free maids that weave their thread with bones Do use to chant it. It is silly sooth, And dallies with the innocence of love Like the old age. 55 FOOL Are you ready, sir? ORSINO Ay, prithee, sing. Music. The Song. FOOL Come away, come away, death, And in sad cypress let me be laid. Fly away, fly away, breath, 60 I am slain by a fair cruel maid. My shroud of white, stuck all with yew, O, prepare it! My part of death, no one so true Did share it. 65 Not a flower, not a flower sweet On my black coffin let there be strown; Not a friend, not a friend greet My poor corpse where my bones shall be thrown. A thousand thousand sighs to save, 70 Lay me, O, where Sad true lover never find my grave To weep there. ORSINO, giving money There’s for thy pains. FOOL No pains, sir. I take pleasure in singing, sir. 75 ORSINO I’ll pay thy pleasure, then. FOOL Truly sir, and pleasure will be paid, one time or another. ORSINO Give me now leave to leave thee. FOOL Now the melancholy god protect thee and the 80 tailor make thy doublet of changeable taffeta, for thy mind is a very opal. I would have men of such constancy put to sea, that their business might be everything and their intent everywhere, for that’s it that always makes a good voyage of nothing. 85 Farewell. He exits. ORSINO Let all the rest give place. All but Orsino and Viola exit. Once more, Cesario, Get thee to yond same sovereign cruelty. Tell her my love, more noble than the world, 90 Prizes not quantity of dirty lands. The parts that Fortune hath bestowed upon her, Tell her, I hold as giddily as Fortune. But ’tis that miracle and queen of gems That nature pranks her in attracts my soul. 95 VIOLA But if she cannot love you, sir— ORSINO I cannot be so answered. VIOLA Sooth, but you must. Say that some lady, as perhaps there is, Hath for your love as great a pang of heart 100 As you have for Olivia. You cannot love her; You tell her so. Must she not then be answered? ORSINO There is no woman’s sides Can bide the beating of so strong a passion As love doth give my heart; no woman’s heart 105 So big, to hold so much; they lack retention. Alas, their love may be called appetite, No motion of the liver but the palate, That suffer surfeit, cloyment, and revolt; But mine is all as hungry as the sea, 110 And can digest as much. Make no compare Between that love a woman can bear me And that I owe Olivia. VIOLA Ay, but I know— ORSINO What dost thou know? 115 VIOLA Too well what love women to men may owe. In faith, they are as true of heart as we. My father had a daughter loved a man As it might be, perhaps, were I a woman, I should your Lordship. 120 ORSINO And what’s her history? VIOLA A blank, my lord. She never told her love, But let concealment, like a worm i’ th’ bud, Feed on her damask cheek. She pined in thought, And with a green and yellow melancholy 125 She sat like Patience on a monument, Smiling at grief. Was not this love indeed? We men may say more, swear more, but indeed Our shows are more than will; for still we prove Much in our vows but little in our love. 130 ORSINO But died thy sister of her love, my boy? VIOLA I am all the daughters of my father’s house, And all the brothers, too—and yet I know not. Sir, shall I to this lady? ORSINO Ay, that’s the theme. 135 To her in haste. Give her this jewel. Say My love can give no place, bide no denay. He hands her a jewel and they exit. Scene 5 Enter Sir Toby, Sir Andrew, and Fabian. TOBY Come thy ways, Signior Fabian. FABIAN Nay, I’ll come. If I lose a scruple of this sport, let me be boiled to death with melancholy. TOBY Wouldst thou not be glad to have the niggardly rascally sheep-biter come by some notable shame? 5 FABIAN I would exult, man. You know he brought me out o’ favor with my lady about a bearbaiting here. TOBY To anger him, we’ll have the bear again, and we will fool him black and blue, shall we not, Sir Andrew? 10 ANDREW An we do not, it is pity of our lives. Enter Maria. TOBY Here comes the little villain.—How now, my metal of India? MARIA Get you all three into the boxtree. Malvolio’s coming down this walk. He has been yonder i’ the 15 sun practicing behavior to his own shadow this half hour. Observe him, for the love of mockery, for I know this letter will make a contemplative idiot of him. Close, in the name of jesting! They hide. Lie thou there putting down the letter, for here comes 20 the trout that must be caught with tickling. She exits. Enter Malvolio. MALVOLIO ’Tis but fortune, all is fortune. Maria once told me she did affect me, and I have heard herself come thus near, that should she fancy, it should be one of my complexion. Besides, she uses me with a 25 more exalted respect than anyone else that follows her. What should I think on ’t? TOBY, aside Here’s an overweening rogue. FABIAN, aside O, peace! Contemplation makes a rare turkeycock of him. How he jets under his advanced 30 plumes! ANDREW, aside ’Slight, I could so beat the rogue! TOBY, aside Peace, I say. MALVOLIO To be Count Malvolio. TOBY, aside Ah, rogue! 35 ANDREW, aside Pistol him, pistol him! TOBY, aside Peace, peace! MALVOLIO There is example for ’t. The lady of the Strachy married the yeoman of the wardrobe. ANDREW, aside Fie on him, Jezebel! 40 FABIAN, aside O, peace, now he’s deeply in. Look how imagination blows him. MALVOLIO Having been three months married to her, sitting in my state— TOBY, aside O, for a stone-bow, to hit him in the eye! 45 MALVOLIO Calling my officers about me, in my branched velvet gown, having come from a daybed where I have left Olivia sleeping— TOBY, aside Fire and brimstone! FABIAN, aside O, peace, peace! 50 MALVOLIO And then to have the humor of state; and after a demure travel of regard, telling them I know my place, as I would they should do theirs, to ask for my kinsman Toby— TOBY, aside Bolts and shackles! 55 FABIAN, aside O, peace, peace, peace! Now, now. MALVOLIO Seven of my people, with an obedient start, make out for him. I frown the while, and perchance wind up my watch, or play with my—some rich jewel. Toby approaches; curtsies there to me— 60 TOBY, aside Shall this fellow live? FABIAN, aside Though our silence be drawn from us with cars, yet peace! MALVOLIO I extend my hand to him thus, quenching my familiar smile with an austere regard of 65 control— TOBY, aside And does not Toby take you a blow o’ the lips then? MALVOLIO Saying, “Cousin Toby, my fortunes, having cast me on your niece, give me this prerogative of 70 speech—” TOBY, aside What, what? MALVOLIO “You must amend your drunkenness.” TOBY, aside Out, scab! FABIAN, aside Nay, patience, or we break the sinews 75 of our plot! MALVOLIO “Besides, you waste the treasure of your time with a foolish knight—” ANDREW, aside That’s me, I warrant you. MALVOLIO “One Sir Andrew.” 80 ANDREW, aside I knew ’twas I, for many do call me fool. MALVOLIO, seeing the letter What employment have we here? FABIAN, aside Now is the woodcock near the gin. 85 TOBY, aside O, peace, and the spirit of humors intimate reading aloud to him. MALVOLIO, taking up the letter By my life, this is my lady’s hand! These be her very c’s, her u’s, and her t’s, and thus she makes her great P’s. It is in 90 contempt of question her hand. ANDREW, aside Her c’s, her u’s, and her t’s. Why that? MALVOLIO reads To the unknown beloved, this, and my good wishes—Her very phrases! By your leave, wax. Soft. And the impressure her Lucrece, with which 95 she uses to seal—’tis my lady! He opens the letter. To whom should this be? FABIAN, aside This wins him, liver and all. MALVOLIO reads Jove knows I love, But who? 100 Lips, do not move; No man must know. “No man must know.” What follows? The numbers altered. “No man must know.” If this should be thee, Malvolio! 105 TOBY, aside Marry, hang thee, brock! MALVOLIO reads I may command where I adore, But silence, like a Lucrece knife, With bloodless stroke my heart doth gore; M.O.A.I. doth sway my life. 110 FABIAN, aside A fustian riddle! TOBY, aside Excellent wench, say I. MALVOLIO “M.O.A.I. doth sway my life.” Nay, but first let me see, let me see, let me see. FABIAN, aside What dish o’ poison has she dressed 115 him! TOBY, aside And with what wing the staniel checks at it! MALVOLIO “I may command where I adore.” Why, she may command me; I serve her; she is my lady. Why, 120 this is evident to any formal capacity. There is no obstruction in this. And the end—what should that alphabetical position portend? If I could make that resemble something in me! Softly! “M.O.A.I.”— TOBY, aside O, ay, make up that.—He is now at a cold 125 scent. FABIAN, aside Sowter will cry upon ’t for all this, though it be as rank as a fox. MALVOLIO “M”—Malvolio. “M”—why, that begins my name! 130 FABIAN, aside Did not I say he would work it out? The cur is excellent at faults. MALVOLIO “M.” But then there is no consonancy in the sequel that suffers under probation. “A” should follow, but “O” does. 135 FABIAN, aside And “O” shall end, I hope. TOBY, aside Ay, or I’ll cudgel him and make him cry “O.” MALVOLIO And then “I” comes behind. FABIAN, aside Ay, an you had any eye behind you, you 140 might see more detraction at your heels than fortunes before you. MALVOLIO “M.O.A.I.” This simulation is not as the former, and yet to crush this a little, it would bow to me, for every one of these letters are in my name. 145 Soft, here follows prose. He reads. If this fall into thy hand, revolve. In my stars I am above thee, but be not afraid of greatness. Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon ’em. Thy fates open 150 their hands. Let thy blood and spirit embrace them. And, to inure thyself to what thou art like to be, cast thy humble slough and appear fresh. Be opposite with a kinsman, surly with servants. Let thy tongue tang arguments of state. Put thyself into the trick of singularity. 155 She thus advises thee that sighs for thee. Remember who commended thy yellow stockings and wished to see thee ever cross-gartered. I say, remember. Go to, thou art made, if thou desir’st to be so. If not, let me see thee a steward still, the fellow of 160 servants, and not worthy to touch Fortune’s fingers. Farewell. She that would alter services with thee, The Fortunate-Unhappy. Daylight and champian discovers not more! This is open. I will be proud, I will read politic authors, I 165 will baffle Sir Toby, I will wash off gross acquaintance, I will be point-devise the very man. I do not now fool myself, to let imagination jade me; for every reason excites to this, that my lady loves me. She did commend my yellow stockings of late, she 170 did praise my leg being cross-gartered, and in this she manifests herself to my love and, with a kind of injunction, drives me to these habits of her liking. I thank my stars, I am happy. I will be strange, stout, in yellow stockings, and cross-gartered, even with 175 the swiftness of putting on. Jove and my stars be praised! Here is yet a postscript. He reads. Thou canst not choose but know who I If thou entertain’st my love, let it appear in thy smiling; thy smiles become thee well. Therefore in my 180 presence still smile, dear my sweet, I prithee. Jove, I thank thee! I will smile. I will do everything that thou wilt have me. He exits. FABIAN I will not give my part of this sport for a pension of thousands to be paid from the Sophy. 185 TOBY I could marry this wench for this device. ANDREW So could I too. TOBY And ask no other dowry with her but such another jest. ANDREW Nor I neither. 190 Enter Maria. FABIAN Here comes my noble gull-catcher. TOBY Wilt thou set thy foot o’ my neck? ANDREW Or o’ mine either? TOBY Shall I play my freedom at tray-trip and become thy bondslave? 195 ANDREW I’ faith, or I either? TOBY Why, thou hast put him in such a dream that when the image of it leaves him he must run mad. MARIA Nay, but say true, does it work upon him? TOBY Like aqua vitae with a midwife. 200 MARIA If you will then see the fruits of the sport, mark his first approach before my lady. He will come to her in yellow stockings, and ’tis a color she abhors, and cross-gartered, a fashion she detests; and he will smile upon her, which will now 205 be so unsuitable to her disposition, being addicted to a melancholy as she is, that it cannot but turn him into a notable contempt. If you will see it, follow me. TOBY To the gates of Tartar, thou most excellent devil 210 of wit! ANDREW I’ll make one, too. They exit. ACT 3 Scene 1 Enter Viola and Feste, the Fool, playing a tabor. VIOLA Save thee, friend, and thy music. Dost thou live by thy tabor? FOOL No, sir, I live by the church. VIOLA Art thou a churchman? FOOL No such matter, sir. I do live by the church, for I 5 do live at my house, and my house doth stand by the church. VIOLA So thou mayst say the king lies by a beggar if a beggar dwell near him, or the church stands by thy tabor if thy tabor stand by the church. 10 FOOL You have said, sir. To see this age! A sentence is but a chev’ril glove to a good wit. How quickly the wrong side may be turned outward! VIOLA Nay, that’s certain. They that dally nicely with words may quickly make them wanton. 15 FOOL I would therefore my sister had had no name, sir. VIOLA Why, man? FOOL Why, sir, her name’s a word, and to dally with that word might make my sister wanton. But, 20 indeed, words are very rascals since bonds disgraced them. VIOLA Thy reason, man? FOOL Troth, sir, I can yield you none without words, and words are grown so false I am loath to prove 25 reason with them. VIOLA I warrant thou art a merry fellow and car’st for nothing. FOOL Not so, sir. I do care for something. But in my conscience, sir, I do not care for you. If that be to 30 care for nothing, sir, I would it would make you invisible. VIOLA Art not thou the Lady Olivia’s Fool? FOOL No, indeed, sir. The Lady Olivia has no folly. She will keep no Fool, sir, till she be married, and Fools 35 are as like husbands as pilchers are to herrings: the husband’s the bigger. I am indeed not her Fool but her corrupter of words. VIOLA I saw thee late at the Count Orsino’s. FOOL Foolery, sir, does walk about the orb like the 40 sun; it shines everywhere. I would be sorry, sir, but the Fool should be as oft with your master as with my mistress. I think I saw your Wisdom there. VIOLA Nay, an thou pass upon me, I’ll no more with thee. Hold, there’s expenses for thee. Giving a 45 coin. FOOL Now Jove, in his next commodity of hair, send thee a beard! VIOLA By my troth I’ll tell thee, I am almost sick for one, aside though I would not have it grow on my chin.—Is thy lady within? 50 FOOL Would not a pair of these have bred, sir? VIOLA Yes, being kept together and put to use. FOOL I would play Lord Pandarus of Phrygia, sir, to bring a Cressida to this Troilus. VIOLA I understand you, sir. ’Tis well begged. Giving 55 another coin. FOOL The matter I hope is not great, sir, begging but a beggar: Cressida was a beggar. My lady is within, sir. I will conster to them whence you come. Who you are and what you would are out of my welkin—I might say “element,” but the word is overworn. 60 He exits. VIOLA This fellow is wise enough to play the Fool, And to do that well craves a kind of wit. He must observe their mood on whom he jests, The quality of persons, and the time, And, like the haggard, check at every feather 65 That comes before his eye. This is a practice As full of labor as a wise man’s art: For folly that he wisely shows is fit; But wise men, folly-fall’n, quite taint their wit. Enter Sir Toby and Andrew. TOBY Save you, gentleman. 70 VIOLA And you, sir. ANDREW Dieu vous garde, monsieur. VIOLA Et vous aussi. Votre serviteur! ANDREW I hope, sir, you are, and I am yours. TOBY Will you encounter the house? My niece is 75 desirous you should enter, if your trade be to her. VIOLA I am bound to your niece, sir; I mean, she is the list of my voyage. TOBY Taste your legs, sir; put them to motion. VIOLA My legs do better understand me, sir, than I 80 understand what you mean by bidding me taste my legs. TOBY I mean, to go, sir, to enter. VIOLA I will answer you with gait and entrance—but we are prevented. 85 Enter Olivia, and Maria, her Gentlewoman. Most excellent accomplished lady, the heavens rain odors on you! ANDREW, aside That youth’s a rare courtier. “Rain odors,” well. VIOLA My matter hath no voice, lady, but to your own 90 most pregnant and vouchsafed ear. ANDREW, aside “Odors,” “pregnant,” and “vouchsafed.” I’ll get ’em all three all ready. OLIVIA Let the garden door be shut, and leave me to my hearing. Sir Toby, Sir Andrew, and Maria exit. 95 Give me your hand, sir. VIOLA My duty, madam, and most humble service. OLIVIA What is your name? VIOLA Cesario is your servant’s name, fair princess. OLIVIA My servant, sir? ’Twas never merry world 100 Since lowly feigning was called compliment. You’re servant to the Count Orsino, youth. VIOLA And he is yours, and his must needs be yours. Your servant’s servant is your servant, madam. OLIVIA For him, I think not on him. For his thoughts, 105 Would they were blanks rather than filled with me. VIOLA Madam, I come to whet your gentle thoughts On his behalf. OLIVIA O, by your leave, I pray you. I bade you never speak again of him. 110 But would you undertake another suit, I had rather hear you to solicit that Than music from the spheres. VIOLA Dear lady— OLIVIA Give me leave, beseech you. I did send, 115 After the last enchantment you did here, A ring in chase of you. So did I abuse Myself, my servant, and, I fear me, you. Under your hard construction must I sit, To force that on you in a shameful cunning 120 Which you knew none of yours. What might you think? Have you not set mine honor at the stake And baited it with all th’ unmuzzled thoughts That tyrannous heart can think? To one of your 125 receiving Enough is shown. A cypress, not a bosom, Hides my heart. So, let me hear you speak. VIOLA I pity you. OLIVIA That’s a degree to love. 130 VIOLA No, not a grize, for ’tis a vulgar proof That very oft we pity enemies. OLIVIA Why then methinks ’tis time to smile again. O world, how apt the poor are to be proud! If one should be a prey, how much the better 135 To fall before the lion than the wolf. Clock strikes. The clock upbraids me with the waste of time. Be not afraid, good youth, I will not have you. And yet when wit and youth is come to harvest, Your wife is like to reap a proper man. 140 There lies your way, due west. VIOLA Then westward ho! Grace and good disposition attend your Ladyship. You’ll nothing, madam, to my lord by me? OLIVIA Stay. I prithee, tell me what thou think’st of me. 145 VIOLA That you do think you are not what you are. OLIVIA If I think so, I think the same of you. VIOLA Then think you right. I am not what I am. OLIVIA I would you were as I would have you be. VIOLA Would it be better, madam, than I am? 150 I wish it might, for now I am your fool. OLIVIA, aside O, what a deal of scorn looks beautiful In the contempt and anger of his lip! A murd’rous guilt shows not itself more soon Than love that would seem hid. Love’s night is 155 noon.— Cesario, by the roses of the spring, By maidhood, honor, truth, and everything, I love thee so, that, maugre all thy pride, Nor wit nor reason can my passion hide. 160 Do not extort thy reasons from this clause, For that I woo, thou therefore hast no cause; But rather reason thus with reason fetter: Love sought is good, but given unsought is better. VIOLA By innocence I swear, and by my youth, 165 I have one heart, one bosom, and one truth, And that no woman has, nor never none Shall mistress be of it, save I alone. And so adieu, good madam. Nevermore Will I my master’s tears to you deplore. 170 OLIVIA Yet come again, for thou perhaps mayst move That heart, which now abhors, to like his love. They exit in different directions. Scene 2 Enter Sir Toby, Sir Andrew, and Fabian. ANDREW No, faith, I’ll not stay a jot longer. TOBY Thy reason, dear venom, give thy reason. FABIAN You must needs yield your reason, Sir Andrew. ANDREW Marry, I saw your niece do more favors to the Count’s servingman than ever she bestowed upon 5 I saw ’t i’ th’ orchard. TOBY Did she see thee the while, old boy? Tell me that. ANDREW As plain as I see you now. FABIAN This was a great argument of love in her toward 10 you. ANDREW ’Slight, will you make an ass o’ me? FABIAN I will prove it legitimate, sir, upon the oaths of judgment and reason. TOBY And they have been grand-jurymen since before 15 Noah was a sailor. FABIAN She did show favor to the youth in your sight only to exasperate you, to awake your dormouse valor, to put fire in your heart and brimstone in your liver. You should then have accosted her, and 20 with some excellent jests, fire-new from the mint, you should have banged the youth into dumbness. This was looked for at your hand, and this was balked. The double gilt of this opportunity you let time wash off, and you are now sailed into the north 25 of my lady’s opinion, where you will hang like an icicle on a Dutchman’s beard, unless you do redeem it by some laudable attempt either of valor or policy. ANDREW An ’t be any way, it must be with valor, for 30 policy I hate. I had as lief be a Brownist as a politician. TOBY Why, then, build me thy fortunes upon the basis of valor. Challenge me the Count’s youth to fight with him. Hurt him in eleven places. My niece shall 35 take note of it, and assure thyself there is no love-broker in the world can more prevail in man’s commendation with woman than report of valor. FABIAN There is no way but this, Sir Andrew. ANDREW Will either of you bear me a challenge to him? 40 TOBY Go, write it in a martial hand. Be curst and brief. It is no matter how witty, so it be eloquent and full of invention. Taunt him with the license of ink. If thou “thou”-est him some thrice, it shall not be amiss, and as many lies as will lie in thy sheet of 45 paper, although the sheet were big enough for the bed of Ware in England, set ’em down. Go, about it. Let there be gall enough in thy ink, though thou write with a goose-pen, no matter. About it. ANDREW Where shall I find you? 50 TOBY We’ll call thee at the cubiculo. Go. Sir Andrew exits. FABIAN This is a dear manikin to you, Sir Toby. TOBY I have been dear to him, lad, some two thousand strong or so. FABIAN We shall have a rare letter from him. But you’ll 55 not deliver ’t? TOBY Never trust me, then. And by all means stir on the youth to an answer. I think oxen and wainropes cannot hale them together. For Andrew, if he were opened and you find so much blood in his liver as 60 will clog the foot of a flea, I’ll eat the rest of th’ anatomy. FABIAN And his opposite, the youth, bears in his visage no great presage of cruelty. Enter Maria. TOBY Look where the youngest wren of mine comes. 65 MARIA If you desire the spleen, and will laugh yourselves into stitches, follow me. Yond gull Malvolio is turned heathen, a very renegado; for there is no Christian that means to be saved by believing rightly can ever believe such impossible passages of grossness. 70 He’s in yellow stockings. TOBY And cross-gartered? MARIA Most villainously, like a pedant that keeps a school i’ th’ church. I have dogged him like his murderer. He does obey every point of the letter 75 that I dropped to betray him. He does smile his face into more lines than is in the new map with the augmentation of the Indies. You have not seen such a thing as ’tis. I can hardly forbear hurling things at him. I know my lady will strike him. If she do, he’ll 80 smile and take ’t for a great favor. TOBY Come, bring us, bring us where he is. They all exit. Scene 3 Enter Sebastian and Antonio. SEBASTIAN I would not by my will have troubled you, But, since you make your pleasure of your pains, I will no further chide you. ANTONIO I could not stay behind you. My desire, More sharp than filèd steel, did spur me forth; 5 And not all love to see you, though so much As might have drawn one to a longer voyage, But jealousy what might befall your travel, Being skill-less in these parts, which to a stranger, Unguided and unfriended, often prove 10 Rough and unhospitable. My willing love, The rather by these arguments of fear, Set forth in your pursuit. SEBASTIAN My kind Antonio, I can no other answer make but thanks, 15 And thanks, and ever thanks; and oft good turns Are shuffled off with such uncurrent pay. But were my worth, as is my conscience, firm, You should find better dealing. What’s to do? Shall we go see the relics of this town? 20 ANTONIO Tomorrow, sir. Best first go see your lodging. SEBASTIAN I am not weary, and ’tis long to night. I pray you, let us satisfy our eyes With the memorials and the things of fame That do renown this city. 25 ANTONIO Would you’d pardon me. I do not without danger walk these streets. Once in a sea fight ’gainst the Count his galleys I did some service, of such note indeed That were I ta’en here it would scarce be answered. 30 SEBASTIAN Belike you slew great number of his people? ANTONIO Th’ offense is not of such a bloody nature, Albeit the quality of the time and quarrel Might well have given us bloody argument. It might have since been answered in repaying 35 What we took from them, which, for traffic’s sake, Most of our city did. Only myself stood out, For which, if I be lapsèd in this place, I shall pay dear. SEBASTIAN Do not then walk too open. 40 ANTONIO It doth not fit me. Hold, sir, here’s my purse. Giving him money. In the south suburbs, at the Elephant, Is best to lodge. I will bespeak our diet Whiles you beguile the time and feed your knowledge 45 With viewing of the town. There shall you have me. SEBASTIAN Why I your purse? ANTONIO Haply your eye shall light upon some toy You have desire to purchase, and your store, I think, is not for idle markets, sir. 50 SEBASTIAN I’ll be your purse-bearer and leave you For an hour. ANTONIO To th’ Elephant. SEBASTIAN I do remember. They exit in different directions. Scene 4 Enter Olivia and Maria. OLIVIA, aside I have sent after him. He says he’ll come. How shall I feast him? What bestow of him? For youth is bought more oft than begged or borrowed. I speak too loud.— 5 Where’s Malvolio? He is sad and civil And suits well for a servant with my fortunes. Where is Malvolio? MARIA He’s coming, madam, but in very strange manner. He is sure possessed, madam. 10 OLIVIA Why, what’s the matter? Does he rave? MARIA No, madam, he does nothing but smile. Your Ladyship were best to have some guard about you if he come, for sure the man is tainted in ’s wits. OLIVIA Go call him hither. Maria exits. I am as mad as he, 15 If sad and merry madness equal be. Enter Maria with Malvolio. How now, Malvolio? MALVOLIO Sweet lady, ho, ho! OLIVIA Smil’st thou? I sent for thee upon a sad occasion. 20 MALVOLIO Sad, lady? I could be sad. This does make some obstruction in the blood, this cross-gartering, but what of that? If it please the eye of one, it is with me as the very true sonnet is: “Please one, and please all.” 25 OLIVIA Why, how dost thou, man? What is the matter with thee? MALVOLIO Not black in my mind, though yellow in my legs. It did come to his hands, and commands shall be executed. I think we do know the sweet Roman 30 hand. OLIVIA Wilt thou go to bed, Malvolio? MALVOLIO To bed? “Ay, sweetheart, and I’ll come to thee.” OLIVIA God comfort thee! Why dost thou smile so, and 35 kiss thy hand so oft? MARIA How do you, Malvolio? MALVOLIO At your request? Yes, nightingales answer daws! MARIA Why appear you with this ridiculous boldness 40 before my lady? MALVOLIO “Be not afraid of greatness.” ’Twas well writ. OLIVIA What mean’st thou by that, Malvolio? MALVOLIO “Some are born great—” 45 OLIVIA Ha? MALVOLIO “Some achieve greatness—” OLIVIA What sayst thou? MALVOLIO “And some have greatness thrust upon them.” 50 OLIVIA Heaven restore thee! MALVOLIO “Remember who commended thy yellow stockings—” OLIVIA Thy yellow stockings? MALVOLIO “And wished to see thee cross-gartered.” 55 OLIVIA Cross-gartered? MALVOLIO “Go to, thou art made, if thou desir’st to be so—” OLIVIA Am I made? MALVOLIO “If not, let me see thee a servant still.” 60 OLIVIA Why, this is very midsummer madness! Enter Servant. SERVANT Madam, the young gentleman of the Count Orsino’s is returned. I could hardly entreat him back. He attends your Ladyship’s pleasure. OLIVIA I’ll come to him. Servant exits. Good Maria, let 65 this fellow be looked to. Where’s my Cousin Toby? Let some of my people have a special care of him. I would not have him miscarry for the half of my dowry. Olivia and Maria exit in different directions. MALVOLIO O ho, do you come near me now? No worse 70 man than Sir Toby to look to me. This concurs directly with the letter. She sends him on purpose that I may appear stubborn to him, for she incites me to that in the letter: “Cast thy humble slough,” says she. “Be opposite with a kinsman, surly with 75 servants; let thy tongue tang with arguments of state; put thyself into the trick of singularity,” and consequently sets down the manner how: as, a sad face, a reverend carriage, a slow tongue, in the habit of some Sir of note, and so forth. I have limed her, 80 but it is Jove’s doing, and Jove make me thankful! And when she went away now, “Let this fellow be looked to.” “Fellow!” Not “Malvolio,” nor after my degree, but “fellow.” Why, everything adheres together, that no dram of a scruple, no scruple of a 85 scruple, no obstacle, no incredulous or unsafe circumstance—what can be said? Nothing that can be can come between me and the full prospect of my hopes. Well, Jove, not I, is the doer of this, and he is to be thanked. 90 Enter Toby, Fabian, and Maria. TOBY Which way is he, in the name of sanctity? If all the devils of hell be drawn in little, and Legion himself possessed him, yet I’ll speak to him. FABIAN Here he is, here he is.—How is ’t with you, sir? How is ’t with you, man? 95 MALVOLIO Go off, I discard you. Let me enjoy my private. Go off. MARIA, to Toby Lo, how hollow the fiend speaks within him! Did not I tell you? Sir Toby, my lady prays you to have a care of him. 100 MALVOLIO Aha, does she so? TOBY, to Fabian and Maria Go to, go to! Peace, peace. We must deal gently with him. Let me alone.—How do you, Malvolio? How is ’t with you? What, man, defy the devil! Consider, he’s an enemy to mankind. 105 MALVOLIO Do you know what you say? MARIA, to Toby La you, an you speak ill of the devil, how he takes it at heart! Pray God he be not bewitched! FABIAN Carry his water to th’ wisewoman. 110 MARIA Marry, and it shall be done tomorrow morning if I live. My lady would not lose him for more than I’ll say. MALVOLIO How now, mistress? MARIA O Lord! 115 TOBY Prithee, hold thy peace. This is not the way. Do you not see you move him? Let me alone with him. FABIAN No way but gentleness, gently, gently. The fiend is rough and will not be roughly used. 120 TOBY, to Malvolio Why, how now, my bawcock? How dost thou, chuck? MALVOLIO Sir! TOBY Ay, biddy, come with me.—What, man, ’tis not for gravity to play at cherry-pit with Satan. Hang 125 him, foul collier! MARIA Get him to say his prayers, good Sir Toby; get him to pray. MALVOLIO My prayers, minx? MARIA, to Toby No, I warrant you, he will not hear of 130 godliness. MALVOLIO Go hang yourselves all! You are idle, shallow things. I am not of your element. You shall know more hereafter. He exits. TOBY Is ’t possible? 135 FABIAN If this were played upon a stage now, I could condemn it as an improbable fiction. TOBY His very genius hath taken the infection of the device, man. MARIA Nay, pursue him now, lest the device take air 140 and taint. FABIAN Why, we shall make him mad indeed. MARIA The house will be the quieter. TOBY Come, we’ll have him in a dark room and bound. My niece is already in the belief that he’s 145 mad. We may carry it thus, for our pleasure and his penance, till our very pastime, tired out of breath, prompt us to have mercy on him, at which time we will bring the device to the bar and crown thee for a finder of madmen. But see, but see! 150 Enter Sir Andrew. FABIAN More matter for a May morning. ANDREW, presenting a paper Here’s the challenge. Read it. I warrant there’s vinegar and pepper in ’t. FABIAN Is ’t so saucy? ANDREW Ay, is ’t. I warrant him. Do but read. 155 TOBY Give me. He reads. Youth, whatsoever thou art, thou art but a scurvy fellow. FABIAN Good, and valiant. TOBY reads Wonder not nor admire not in thy mind why I do call thee so, for I will show thee no reason 160 for ’t. FABIAN A good note, that keeps you from the blow of the law. TOBY reads Thou com’st to the Lady Olivia, and in my sight she uses thee kindly. But thou liest in thy throat; 165 that is not the matter I challenge thee for. FABIAN Very brief, and to exceeding good sense—less. TOBY reads I will waylay thee going home, where if it be thy chance to kill me— FABIAN Good. 170 TOBY reads Thou kill’st me like a rogue and a villain. FABIAN Still you keep o’ th’ windy side of the law. Good. TOBY reads Fare thee well, and God have mercy upon one of our souls. He may have mercy upon mine, but 175 my hope is better, and so look to thyself. Thy friend, as thou usest him, and thy sworn enemy, Andrew Aguecheek. If this letter move him not, his legs cannot. I’ll give ’t him. 180 MARIA You may have very fit occasion for ’t. He is now in some commerce with my lady and will by and by depart. TOBY Go, Sir Andrew. Scout me for him at the corner of the orchard like a bum-baily. So soon as ever 185 thou seest him, draw, and as thou draw’st, swear horrible, for it comes to pass oft that a terrible oath, with a swaggering accent sharply twanged off, gives manhood more approbation than ever proof itself would have earned him. Away! 190 ANDREW Nay, let me alone for swearing. He exits. TOBY Now will not I deliver his letter, for the behavior of the young gentleman gives him out to be of good capacity and breeding; his employment between his lord and my niece confirms no less. Therefore, 195 this letter, being so excellently ignorant, will breed no terror in the youth. He will find it comes from a clodpoll. But, sir, I will deliver his challenge by word of mouth, set upon Aguecheek a notable report of valor, and drive the gentleman (as I know 200 his youth will aptly receive it) into a most hideous opinion of his rage, skill, fury, and impetuosity. This will so fright them both that they will kill one another by the look, like cockatrices. Enter Olivia and Viola. FABIAN Here he comes with your niece. Give them 205 way till he take leave, and presently after him. TOBY I will meditate the while upon some horrid message for a challenge. Toby, Fabian, and Maria exit. OLIVIA I have said too much unto a heart of stone And laid mine honor too unchary on ’t. 210 There’s something in me that reproves my fault, But such a headstrong potent fault it is That it but mocks reproof. VIOLA With the same ’havior that your passion bears Goes on my master’s griefs. 215 OLIVIA Here, wear this jewel for me. ’Tis my picture. Refuse it not. It hath no tongue to vex you. And I beseech you come again tomorrow. What shall you ask of me that I’ll deny, That honor, saved, may upon asking give? 220 VIOLA Nothing but this: your true love for my master. OLIVIA How with mine honor may I give him that Which I have given to you? VIOLA I will acquit you. OLIVIA Well, come again tomorrow. Fare thee well. 225 A fiend like thee might bear my soul to hell. She exits. Enter Toby and Fabian. TOBY Gentleman, God save thee. VIOLA And you, sir. TOBY That defense thou hast, betake thee to ’t. Of what nature the wrongs are thou hast done him, I know 230 not, but thy intercepter, full of despite, bloody as the hunter, attends thee at the orchard end. Dismount thy tuck, be yare in thy preparation, for thy assailant is quick, skillful, and deadly. VIOLA You mistake, sir. I am sure no man hath any 235 quarrel to me. My remembrance is very free and clear from any image of offense done to any man. TOBY You’ll find it otherwise, I assure you. Therefore, if you hold your life at any price, betake you to your guard, for your opposite hath in him what youth, 240 strength, skill, and wrath can furnish man withal. VIOLA I pray you, sir, what is he? TOBY He is knight dubbed with unhatched rapier and on carpet consideration, but he is a devil in private brawl. Souls and bodies hath he divorced three, and 245 his incensement at this moment is so implacable that satisfaction can be none but by pangs of death and sepulcher. “Hob, nob” is his word; “give ’t or take ’t.” VIOLA I will return again into the house and desire 250 some conduct of the lady. I am no fighter. I have heard of some kind of men that put quarrels purposely on others to taste their valor. Belike this is a man of that quirk. TOBY Sir, no. His indignation derives itself out of a very 255 competent injury. Therefore get you on and give him his desire. Back you shall not to the house, unless you undertake that with me which with as much safety you might answer him. Therefore on, or strip your sword stark naked, for meddle you 260 must, that’s certain, or forswear to wear iron about you. VIOLA This is as uncivil as strange. I beseech you, do me this courteous office, as to know of the knight what my offense to him is. It is something of my 265 negligence, nothing of my purpose. TOBY I will do so.—Signior Fabian, stay you by this gentleman till my return. Toby exits. VIOLA Pray you, sir, do you know of this matter? FABIAN I know the knight is incensed against you even 270 to a mortal arbitrament, but nothing of the circumstance more. VIOLA I beseech you, what manner of man is he? FABIAN Nothing of that wonderful promise, to read him by his form, as you are like to find him in the 275 proof of his valor. He is indeed, sir, the most skillful, bloody, and fatal opposite that you could possibly have found in any part of Illyria. Will you walk towards him? I will make your peace with him if I can. 280 VIOLA I shall be much bound to you for ’t. I am one that had rather go with Sir Priest than Sir Knight, I care not who knows so much of my mettle. They exit. Enter Toby and Andrew. TOBY Why, man, he’s a very devil. I have not seen such a firago. I had a pass with him, rapier, scabbard, 285 and all, and he gives me the stuck-in with such a mortal motion that it is inevitable; and on the answer, he pays you as surely as your feet hits the ground they step on. They say he has been fencer to the Sophy. 290 ANDREW Pox on ’t! I’ll not meddle with him. TOBY Ay, but he will not now be pacified. Fabian can scarce hold him yonder. ANDREW Plague on ’t! An I thought he had been valiant, and so cunning in fence, I’d have seen him 295 damned ere I’d have challenged him. Let him let the matter slip, and I’ll give him my horse, gray Capilet. TOBY I’ll make the motion. Stand here, make a good show on ’t. This shall end without the perdition of 300 souls. Aside. Marry, I’ll ride your horse as well as I ride you. Enter Fabian and Viola. Toby crosses to meet them. Aside to Fabian. I have his horse to take up the quarrel. I have persuaded him the youth’s a devil. FABIAN, aside to Toby He is as horribly conceited of 305 him, and pants and looks pale as if a bear were at his heels. TOBY, to Viola There’s no remedy, sir; he will fight with you for ’s oath sake. Marry, he hath better bethought him of his quarrel, and he finds that now 310 scarce to be worth talking of. Therefore, draw for the supportance of his vow. He protests he will not hurt you. VIOLA Pray God defend me! Aside. A little thing would make me tell them how much I lack of a 315 man. FABIAN Give ground if you see him furious. Toby crosses to Andrew. TOBY Come, Sir Andrew, there’s no remedy. The gentleman will, for his honor’s sake, have one bout with you. He cannot by the duello avoid it. But he 320 has promised me, as he is a gentleman and a soldier, he will not hurt you. Come on, to ’t. ANDREW, drawing his sword Pray God he keep his oath! VIOLA, drawing her sword I do assure you ’tis against my will. 325 Enter Antonio. ANTONIO, to Andrew Put up your sword. If this young gentleman Have done offense, I take the fault on me. If you offend him, I for him defy you. TOBY You, sir? Why, what are you? ANTONIO, drawing his sword One, sir, that for his love dares yet do more 330 Than you have heard him brag to you he will. TOBY, drawing his sword Nay, if you be an undertaker, I am for you. Enter Officers. FABIAN O, good Sir Toby, hold! Here come the officers. TOBY, to Antonio I’ll be with you anon. VIOLA, to Andrew Pray, sir, put your sword up, if 335 you please. ANDREW Marry, will I, sir. And for that I promised you, I’ll be as good as my word. He will bear you easily, and reins well. FIRST OFFICER This is the man. Do thy office. 340 SECOND OFFICER Antonio, I arrest thee at the suit of Count Orsino. ANTONIO You do mistake me, sir. FIRST OFFICER No, sir, no jot. I know your favor well, Though now you have no sea-cap on your head.— 345 Take him away. He knows I know him well. ANTONIO I must obey. To Viola. This comes with seeking you. But there’s no remedy. I shall answer it. What will you do, now my necessity 350 Makes me to ask you for my purse? It grieves me Much more for what I cannot do for you Than what befalls myself. You stand amazed, But be of comfort. SECOND OFFICER Come, sir, away. 355 ANTONIO, to Viola I must entreat of you some of that money. VIOLA What money, sir? For the fair kindness you have showed me here, And part being prompted by your present trouble, Out of my lean and low ability 360 I’ll lend you something. My having is not much. I’ll make division of my present with you. Hold, there’s half my coffer. Offering him money. ANTONIO Will you deny me now? Is ’t possible that my deserts to you 365 Can lack persuasion? Do not tempt my misery, Lest that it make me so unsound a man As to upbraid you with those kindnesses That I have done for you. VIOLA I know of none, 370 Nor know I you by voice or any feature. I hate ingratitude more in a man Than lying, vainness, babbling drunkenness, Or any taint of vice whose strong corruption Inhabits our frail blood— 375 ANTONIO O heavens themselves! SECOND OFFICER Come, sir, I pray you go. ANTONIO Let me speak a little. This youth that you see here I snatched one half out of the jaws of death, Relieved him with such sanctity of love, 380 And to his image, which methought did promise Most venerable worth, did I devotion. FIRST OFFICER What’s that to us? The time goes by. Away! ANTONIO But O, how vile an idol proves this god! Thou hast, Sebastian, done good feature shame. 385 In nature there’s no blemish but the mind; None can be called deformed but the unkind. Virtue is beauty, but the beauteous evil Are empty trunks o’erflourished by the devil. FIRST OFFICER The man grows mad. Away with him.—Come, 390 come, sir. ANTONIO Lead me on. Antonio and Officers exit. VIOLA, aside Methinks his words do from such passion fly That he believes himself; so do not I. Prove true, imagination, O, prove true, 395 That I, dear brother, be now ta’en for you! TOBY Come hither, knight; come hither, Fabian. We’ll whisper o’er a couplet or two of most sage saws. Toby, Fabian, and Andrew move aside. VIOLA, aside He named Sebastian. I my brother know Yet living in my glass. Even such and so 400 In favor was my brother, and he went Still in this fashion, color, ornament, For him I imitate. O, if it prove, Tempests are kind, and salt waves fresh in love! She exits. TOBY A very dishonest, paltry boy, and more a coward 405 than a hare. His dishonesty appears in leaving his friend here in necessity and denying him; and for his cowardship, ask Fabian. FABIAN A coward, a most devout coward, religious in it. 410 ANDREW ’Slid, I’ll after him again and beat him. TOBY Do, cuff him soundly, but never draw thy sword. ANDREW An I do not— FABIAN Come, let’s see the event. 415 TOBY I dare lay any money ’twill be nothing yet. They exit. ACT 4 Scene 1 Enter Sebastian and Feste, the Fool. FOOL Will you make me believe that I am not sent for you? SEBASTIAN Go to, go to, thou art a foolish fellow. Let me be clear of thee. FOOL Well held out, i’ faith. No, I do not know you, nor 5 I am not sent to you by my lady to bid you come speak with her, nor your name is not Master Cesario, nor this is not my nose neither. Nothing that is so is so. SEBASTIAN I prithee, vent thy folly somewhere else. 10 Thou know’st not me. FOOL Vent my folly? He has heard that word of some great man and now applies it to a Fool. Vent my folly? I am afraid this great lubber the world will prove a cockney. I prithee now, ungird thy strangeness 15 and tell me what I shall vent to my lady. Shall I vent to her that thou art coming? SEBASTIAN I prithee, foolish Greek, depart from me. There’s money for thee. Giving money. If you tarry longer, I shall give worse payment. 20 FOOL By my troth, thou hast an open hand. These wise men that give Fools money get themselves a good report—after fourteen years’ purchase. Enter Andrew, Toby, and Fabian. ANDREW, to Sebastian Now, sir, have I met you again? There’s for you. He strikes Sebastian. 25 SEBASTIAN, returning the blow Why, there’s for thee, and there, and there.—Are all the people mad? TOBY Hold, sir, or I’ll throw your dagger o’er the house. FOOL, aside This will I tell my lady straight. I would 30 not be in some of your coats for twopence. He exits. TOBY, seizing Sebastian Come on, sir, hold! ANDREW Nay, let him alone. I’ll go another way to work with him. I’ll have an action of battery against him, if there be any law in Illyria. Though I struck 35 him first, yet it’s no matter for that. SEBASTIAN, to Toby Let go thy hand! TOBY Come, sir, I will not let you go. Come, my young soldier, put up your iron. You are well fleshed. Come on. 40 SEBASTIAN I will be free from thee. He pulls free and draws his sword. What wouldst thou now? If thou dar’st tempt me further, draw thy sword. TOBY What, what? Nay, then, I must have an ounce or two of this malapert blood from you. 45 He draws his sword. Enter Olivia. OLIVIA Hold, Toby! On thy life I charge thee, hold! TOBY Madam. OLIVIA Will it be ever thus? Ungracious wretch, Fit for the mountains and the barbarous caves, Where manners ne’er were preached! Out of my 50 sight!— Be not offended, dear Cesario.— Rudesby, begone! Toby, Andrew, and Fabian exit. I prithee, gentle friend, Let thy fair wisdom, not thy passion, sway 55 In this uncivil and unjust extent Against thy peace. Go with me to my house, And hear thou there how many fruitless pranks This ruffian hath botched up, that thou thereby Mayst smile at this. Thou shalt not choose but go. 60 Do not deny. Beshrew his soul for me! He started one poor heart of mine, in thee. SEBASTIAN, aside What relish is in this? How runs the stream? Or I am mad, or else this is a dream. Let fancy still my sense in Lethe steep; 65 If it be thus to dream, still let me sleep! OLIVIA Nay, come, I prithee. Would thou ’dst be ruled by me! SEBASTIAN Madam, I will. OLIVIA O, say so, and so be! 70 They exit. Scene 2 Enter Maria and Feste, the Fool. MARIA Nay, I prithee, put on this gown and this beard; make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate. Do it quickly. I’ll call Sir Toby the whilst. She exits. FOOL Well, I’ll put it on and I will dissemble myself in ’t, and I would I were the first that ever dissembled 5 in such a gown. He puts on gown and beard. I am not tall enough to become the function well, nor lean enough to be thought a good student, but to be said an honest man and a good housekeeper goes as fairly as to say a careful man and a great scholar. 10 The competitors enter. Enter Toby and Maria. TOBY Jove bless thee, Master Parson. FOOL Bonos dies, Sir Toby; for, as the old hermit of Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittily said to a niece of King Gorboduc “That that is, is,” so I, 15 being Master Parson, am Master Parson; for what is “that” but “that” and “is” but “is”? TOBY To him, Sir Topas. FOOL, disguising his voice What ho, I say! Peace in this prison! 20 TOBY The knave counterfeits well. A good knave. Malvolio within. MALVOLIO Who calls there? FOOL Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio the lunatic. MALVOLIO Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to 25 my lady— FOOL Out, hyperbolical fiend! How vexest thou this man! Talkest thou nothing but of ladies? TOBY, aside Well said, Master Parson. MALVOLIO Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged. 30 Good Sir Topas, do not think I am mad. They have laid me here in hideous darkness— FOOL Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most modest terms, for I am one of those gentle ones that will use the devil himself with courtesy. Sayst 35 thou that house is dark? MALVOLIO As hell, Sir Topas. FOOL Why, it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes, and the clerestories toward the south-north are as lustrous as ebony; and yet complainest 40 thou of obstruction? MALVOLIO I am not mad, Sir Topas. I say to you this house is dark. FOOL Madman, thou errest. I say there is no darkness but ignorance, in which thou art more puzzled than 45 the Egyptians in their fog. MALVOLIO I say this house is as dark as ignorance, though ignorance were as dark as hell. And I say there was never man thus abused. I am no more mad than you are. Make the trial of it in any 50 constant question. FOOL What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wildfowl? MALVOLIO That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird. 55 FOOL What thinkst thou of his opinion? MALVOLIO I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion. FOOL Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness. Thou shalt hold th’ opinion of Pythagoras ere I will 60 allow of thy wits, and fear to kill a woodcock lest thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well. MALVOLIO Sir Topas, Sir Topas! TOBY My most exquisite Sir Topas! 65 FOOL Nay, I am for all waters. MARIA Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and gown. He sees thee not. TOBY To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how thou find’st him. I would we were well rid 70 of this knavery. If he may be conveniently delivered, I would he were, for I am now so far in offense with my niece that I cannot pursue with any safety this sport the upshot. Come by and by to my chamber. 75 Toby and Maria exit. FOOL sings, in his own voice Hey, Robin, jolly Robin, Tell me how thy lady does. MALVOLIO Fool! FOOL sings My lady is unkind, perdy. MALVOLIO Fool! 80 FOOL sings Alas, why is she so? MALVOLIO Fool, I say! FOOL sings She loves another— Who calls, ha? MALVOLIO Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at 85 my hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink, and paper. As I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful to thee for ’t. FOOL Master Malvolio? MALVOLIO Ay, good Fool. 90 FOOL Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits? MALVOLIO Fool, there was never man so notoriously abused. I am as well in my wits, Fool, as thou art. FOOL But as well? Then you are mad indeed, if you be no better in your wits than a Fool. 95 MALVOLIO They have here propertied me, keep me in darkness, send ministers to me—asses!—and do all they can to face me out of my wits. FOOL Advise you what you say. The minister is here. In the voice of Sir Topas. Malvolio, Malvolio, thy 100 wits the heavens restore. Endeavor thyself to sleep and leave thy vain bibble-babble. MALVOLIO Sir Topas! FOOL, as Sir Topas Maintain no words with him, good fellow. As Fool. Who, I, sir? Not I, sir! God buy 105 you, good Sir Topas. As Sir Topas. Marry, amen. As Fool. I will, sir, I will. MALVOLIO Fool! Fool! Fool, I say! FOOL Alas, sir, be patient. What say you, sir? I am shent for speaking to you. 110 MALVOLIO Good Fool, help me to some light and some paper. I tell thee, I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria. FOOL Welladay that you were, sir! MALVOLIO By this hand, I am. Good Fool, some ink, 115 paper, and light; and convey what I will set down to my lady. It shall advantage thee more than ever the bearing of letter did. FOOL I will help you to ’t. But tell me true, are you not mad indeed, or do you but counterfeit? 120 MALVOLIO Believe me, I am not. I tell thee true. FOOL Nay, I’ll ne’er believe a madman till I see his brains. I will fetch you light and paper and ink. MALVOLIO Fool, I’ll requite it in the highest degree. I prithee, begone. 125 FOOL sings I am gone, sir, and anon, sir, I’ll be with you again, In a trice, like to the old Vice, Your need to sustain. Who with dagger of lath, in his rage and his wrath, 130 Cries “aha!” to the devil; Like a mad lad, “Pare thy nails, dad! Adieu, goodman devil.” He exits. Scene 3 Enter Sebastian. SEBASTIAN This is the air; that is the glorious sun. This pearl she gave me, I do feel ’t and see ’t. And though ’tis wonder that enwraps me thus, Yet ’tis not madness. Where’s Antonio, then? I could not find him at the Elephant. 5 Yet there he was; and there I found this credit, That he did range the town to seek me out. His counsel now might do me golden service. For though my soul disputes well with my sense That this may be some error, but no madness, 10 Yet doth this accident and flood of fortune So far exceed all instance, all discourse, That I am ready to distrust mine eyes And wrangle with my reason that persuades me To any other trust but that I am mad— 15 Or else the lady’s mad. Yet if ’twere so, She could not sway her house, command her followers, Take and give back affairs and their dispatch With such a smooth, discreet, and stable bearing 20 As I perceive she does. There’s something in ’t That is deceivable. But here the lady comes. Enter Olivia, and a Priest. OLIVIA, to Sebastian Blame not this haste of mine. If you mean well, Now go with me and with this holy man Into the chantry by. There, before him 25 And underneath that consecrated roof, Plight me the full assurance of your faith, That my most jealous and too doubtful soul May live at peace. He shall conceal it Whiles you are willing it shall come to note, 30 What time we will our celebration keep According to my birth. What do you say? SEBASTIAN I’ll follow this good man and go with you, And, having sworn truth, ever will be true. OLIVIA Then lead the way, good father, and heavens so 35 shine That they may fairly note this act of mine. They exit. ACT 5 Scene 1 Enter Feste, the Fool and Fabian. FABIAN Now, as thou lov’st me, let me see his letter. FOOL Good Master Fabian, grant me another request. FABIAN Anything. FOOL Do not desire to see this letter. FABIAN This is to give a dog and in recompense desire 5 my dog again. Enter Orsino, Viola, Curio, and Lords. ORSINO Belong you to the Lady Olivia, friends? FOOL Ay, sir, we are some of her trappings. ORSINO I know thee well. How dost thou, my good fellow? FOOL Truly, sir, the better for my foes and the worse 10 for my friends. ORSINO Just the contrary: the better for thy friends. FOOL No, sir, the worse. ORSINO How can that be? FOOL Marry, sir, they praise me and make an ass of me. 15 Now my foes tell me plainly I am an ass; so that by my foes, sir, I profit in the knowledge of myself, and by my friends I am abused. So that, conclusions to be as kisses, if your four negatives make your two affirmatives, why then the worse for my friends and 20 the better for my foes. ORSINO Why, this is excellent. FOOL By my troth, sir, no—though it please you to be one of my friends. ORSINO, giving a coin Thou shalt not be the worse for me; there’s gold. 25 FOOL But that it would be double-dealing, sir, I would you could make it another. ORSINO O, you give me ill counsel. FOOL Put your grace in your pocket, sir, for this once, and let your flesh and blood obey it. 30 ORSINO Well, I will be so much a sinner to be a double-dealer: there’s another. He gives a coin. FOOL Primo, secundo, tertio is a good play, and the old saying is, the third pays for all. The triplex, sir, is a good tripping measure, or the bells of Saint Bennet, 35 sir, may put you in mind—one, two, three. ORSINO You can fool no more money out of me at this throw. If you will let your lady know I am here to speak with her, and bring her along with you, it may awake my bounty further. 40 FOOL Marry, sir, lullaby to your bounty till I come again. I go, sir, but I would not have you to think that my desire of having is the sin of covetousness. But, as you say, sir, let your bounty take a nap. I will awake it anon. He exits. 45 Enter Antonio and Officers. VIOLA Here comes the man, sir, that did rescue me. ORSINO That face of his I do remember well. Yet when I saw it last, it was besmeared As black as Vulcan in the smoke of war. A baubling vessel was he captain of, 50 For shallow draught and bulk unprizable, With which such scatheful grapple did he make With the most noble bottom of our fleet That very envy and the tongue of loss Cried fame and honor on him.—What’s the matter? 55 FIRST OFFICER Orsino, this is that Antonio That took the Phoenix and her fraught from Candy, And this is he that did the Tiger board When your young nephew Titus lost his leg. Here in the streets, desperate of shame and state, 60 In private brabble did we apprehend him. VIOLA He did me kindness, sir, drew on my side, But in conclusion put strange speech upon me. I know not what ’twas but distraction. ORSINO Notable pirate, thou saltwater thief, 65 What foolish boldness brought thee to their mercies Whom thou, in terms so bloody and so dear, Hast made thine enemies? ANTONIO Orsino, noble sir, Be pleased that I shake off these names you give 70 me. Antonio never yet was thief or pirate, Though, I confess, on base and ground enough, Orsino’s enemy. A witchcraft drew me hither. That most ingrateful boy there by your side 75 From the rude sea’s enraged and foamy mouth Did I redeem; a wrack past hope he was. His life I gave him and did thereto add My love, without retention or restraint, All his in dedication. For his sake 80 Did I expose myself, pure for his love, Into the danger of this adverse town; Drew to defend him when he was beset; Where, being apprehended, his false cunning (Not meaning to partake with me in danger) 85 Taught him to face me out of his acquaintance And grew a twenty years’ removèd thing While one would wink; denied me mine own purse, Which I had recommended to his use Not half an hour before. 90 VIOLA How can this be? ORSINO, to Antonio When came he to this town? ANTONIO Today, my lord; and for three months before, No int’rim, not a minute’s vacancy, Both day and night did we keep company. 95 Enter Olivia and Attendants. ORSINO Here comes the Countess. Now heaven walks on Earth!— But for thee, fellow: fellow, thy words are madness. Three months this youth hath tended upon me— But more of that anon. To an Officer. Take him 100 aside. OLIVIA What would my lord, but that he may not have, Wherein Olivia may seem serviceable?— Cesario, you do not keep promise with me. VIOLA Madam? 105 ORSINO Gracious Olivia— OLIVIA What do you say, Cesario?—Good my lord— VIOLA My lord would speak; my duty hushes me. OLIVIA If it be aught to the old tune, my lord, It is as fat and fulsome to mine ear 110 As howling after music. ORSINO Still so cruel? OLIVIA Still so constant, lord. ORSINO What, to perverseness? You, uncivil lady, To whose ingrate and unauspicious altars 115 My soul the faithful’st off’rings have breathed out That e’er devotion tendered—what shall I do? OLIVIA Even what it please my lord that shall become him. ORSINO Why should I not, had I the heart to do it, Like to th’ Egyptian thief at point of death, 120 Kill what I love?—a savage jealousy That sometime savors nobly. But hear me this: Since you to nonregardance cast my faith, And that I partly know the instrument That screws me from my true place in your favor, 125 Live you the marble-breasted tyrant still. But this your minion, whom I know you love, And whom, by heaven I swear, I tender dearly, Him will I tear out of that cruel eye Where he sits crownèd in his master’s spite.— 130 Come, boy, with me. My thoughts are ripe in mischief. I’ll sacrifice the lamb that I do love To spite a raven’s heart within a dove. VIOLA And I, most jocund, apt, and willingly, 135 To do you rest a thousand deaths would die. OLIVIA Where goes Cesario? VIOLA After him I love More than I love these eyes, more than my life, More by all mores than e’er I shall love wife. 140 If I do feign, you witnesses above, Punish my life for tainting of my love. OLIVIA Ay me, detested! How am I beguiled! VIOLA Who does beguile you? Who does do you wrong? OLIVIA Hast thou forgot thyself? Is it so long?— 145 Call forth the holy father. An Attendant exits. ORSINO, to Viola Come, away! OLIVIA Whither, my lord?—Cesario, husband, stay. ORSINO Husband? OLIVIA Ay, husband. Can he that deny? 150 ORSINO Her husband, sirrah? VIOLA No, my lord, not I. OLIVIA Alas, it is the baseness of thy fear That makes thee strangle thy propriety. Fear not, Cesario. Take thy fortunes up. 155 Be that thou know’st thou art, and then thou art As great as that thou fear’st. Enter Priest. O, welcome, father. Father, I charge thee by thy reverence Here to unfold (though lately we intended 160 To keep in darkness what occasion now Reveals before ’tis ripe) what thou dost know Hath newly passed between this youth and me. PRIEST A contract of eternal bond of love, Confirmed by mutual joinder of your hands, 165 Attested by the holy close of lips, Strengthened by interchangement of your rings, And all the ceremony of this compact Sealed in my function, by my testimony; Since when, my watch hath told me, toward my 170 grave I have traveled but two hours. ORSINO, to Viola O thou dissembling cub! What wilt thou be When time hath sowed a grizzle on thy case? Or will not else thy craft so quickly grow 175 That thine own trip shall be thine overthrow? Farewell, and take her, but direct thy feet Where thou and I henceforth may never meet. VIOLA My lord, I do protest— OLIVIA O, do not swear. 180 Hold little faith, though thou hast too much fear. Enter Sir Andrew. ANDREW For the love of God, a surgeon! Send one presently to Sir Toby. OLIVIA What’s the matter? ANDREW Has broke my head across, and has given Sir 185 Toby a bloody coxcomb too. For the love of God, your help! I had rather than forty pound I were at home. OLIVIA Who has done this, Sir Andrew? ANDREW The Count’s gentleman, one Cesario. We took 190 him for a coward, but he’s the very devil incardinate. ORSINO My gentleman Cesario? ANDREW ’Od’s lifelings, here he is!—You broke my head for nothing, and that that I did, I was set on to 195 do ’t by Sir Toby. VIOLA Why do you speak to me? I never hurt you. You drew your sword upon me without cause, But I bespake you fair and hurt you not. ANDREW If a bloody coxcomb be a hurt, you have hurt 200 I think you set nothing by a bloody coxcomb. Enter Toby and Feste, the Fool. Here comes Sir Toby halting. You shall hear more. But if he had not been in drink, he would have tickled you othergates than he did. ORSINO How now, gentleman? How is ’t with you? 205 TOBY That’s all one. Has hurt me, and there’s th’ end on ’t. To Fool. Sot, didst see Dick Surgeon, sot? FOOL O, he’s drunk, Sir Toby, an hour agone; his eyes were set at eight i’ th’ morning. TOBY Then he’s a rogue and a passy-measures pavin. I 210 hate a drunken rogue. OLIVIA Away with him! Who hath made this havoc with them? ANDREW I’ll help you, Sir Toby, because we’ll be dressed together. 215 TOBY Will you help?—an ass-head, and a coxcomb, and a knave, a thin-faced knave, a gull? OLIVIA Get him to bed, and let his hurt be looked to. Toby, Andrew, Fool, and Fabian exit. Enter Sebastian. SEBASTIAN I am sorry, madam, I have hurt your kinsman, But, had it been the brother of my blood, 220 I must have done no less with wit and safety. You throw a strange regard upon me, and by that I do perceive it hath offended you. Pardon me, sweet one, even for the vows We made each other but so late ago. 225 ORSINO One face, one voice, one habit, and two persons! A natural perspective, that is and is not! SEBASTIAN Antonio, O, my dear Antonio! How have the hours racked and tortured me Since I have lost thee! 230 ANTONIO Sebastian are you? SEBASTIAN Fear’st thou that, Antonio? ANTONIO How have you made division of yourself? An apple cleft in two is not more twin Than these two creatures. Which is Sebastian? 235 OLIVIA Most wonderful! SEBASTIAN, looking at Viola Do I stand there? I never had a brother, Nor can there be that deity in my nature Of here and everywhere. I had a sister Whom the blind waves and surges have devoured. 240 Of charity, what kin are you to me? What countryman? What name? What parentage? VIOLA Of Messaline. Sebastian was my father. Such a Sebastian was my brother too. So went he suited to his watery tomb. 245 If spirits can assume both form and suit, You come to fright us. SEBASTIAN A spirit I am indeed, But am in that dimension grossly clad Which from the womb I did participate. 250 Were you a woman, as the rest goes even, I should my tears let fall upon your cheek And say “Thrice welcome, drownèd Viola.” VIOLA My father had a mole upon his brow. SEBASTIAN And so had mine. 255 VIOLA And died that day when Viola from her birth Had numbered thirteen years. SEBASTIAN O, that record is lively in my soul! He finishèd indeed his mortal act That day that made my sister thirteen years. 260 VIOLA If nothing lets to make us happy both But this my masculine usurped attire, Do not embrace me till each circumstance Of place, time, fortune, do cohere and jump That I am Viola; which to confirm, 265 I’ll bring you to a captain in this town, Where lie my maiden weeds; by whose gentle help I was preserved to serve this noble count. All the occurrence of my fortune since Hath been between this lady and this lord. 270 SEBASTIAN, to Olivia So comes it, lady, you have been mistook. But nature to her bias drew in that. You would have been contracted to a maid. Nor are you therein, by my life, deceived: You are betrothed both to a maid and man. 275 ORSINO, to Olivia Be not amazed; right noble is his blood. If this be so, as yet the glass seems true, I shall have share in this most happy wrack.— Boy, thou hast said to me a thousand times Thou never shouldst love woman like to me. 280 VIOLA And all those sayings will I overswear, And all those swearings keep as true in soul As doth that orbèd continent the fire That severs day from night. ORSINO Give me thy hand, 285 And let me see thee in thy woman’s weeds. VIOLA The Captain that did bring me first on shore Hath my maid’s garments. He, upon some action, Is now in durance at Malvolio’s suit, A gentleman and follower of my lady’s. 290 OLIVIA He shall enlarge him. Enter Feste, the Fool with a letter, and Fabian. Fetch Malvolio hither. And yet, alas, now I remember me, They say, poor gentleman, he’s much distract. A most extracting frenzy of mine own 295 From my remembrance clearly banished his. To the Fool. How does he, sirrah? FOOL Truly, madam, he holds Beelzebub at the stave’s end as well as a man in his case may do. Has here writ a letter to you. I should have given ’t you today 300 morning. But as a madman’s epistles are no gospels, so it skills not much when they are delivered. OLIVIA Open ’t and read it. FOOL Look then to be well edified, when the Fool delivers the madman. He reads. By the Lord, 305 madam— OLIVIA How now, art thou mad? FOOL No, madam, I do but read madness. An your Ladyship will have it as it ought to be, you must allow vox. 310 OLIVIA Prithee, read i’ thy right wits. FOOL So I do, madonna. But to read his right wits is to read thus. Therefore, perpend, my princess, and give ear. OLIVIA, giving letter to Fabian Read it you, sirrah. 315 FABIAN (reads) By the Lord, madam, you wrong me, and the world shall know it. Though you have put me into darkness and given your drunken cousin rule over me, yet have I the benefit of my senses as well as your Ladyship. I have your own letter that induced me to 320 the semblance I put on, with the which I doubt not but to do myself much right or you much shame. Think of me as you please. I leave my duty a little unthought of and speak out of my injury. The madly used Malvolio. 325 OLIVIA Did he write this? FOOL Ay, madam. ORSINO This savors not much of distraction. OLIVIA See him delivered, Fabian. Bring him hither. Fabian exits. To Orsino. My lord, so please you, these things 330 further thought on, To think me as well a sister as a wife, One day shall crown th’ alliance on ’t, so please you, Here at my house, and at my proper cost. 335 ORSINO Madam, I am most apt t’ embrace your offer. To Viola. Your master quits you; and for your service done him, So much against the mettle of your sex, So far beneath your soft and tender breeding, 340 And since you called me “master” for so long, Here is my hand. You shall from this time be Your master’s mistress. OLIVIA, to Viola A sister! You are she. Enter Malvolio and Fabian. ORSINO Is this the madman? 345 OLIVIA Ay, my lord, this same.— How now, Malvolio? MALVOLIO Madam, you have done me wrong, Notorious wrong. 350 OLIVIA Have I, Malvolio? No. MALVOLIO, handing her a paper Lady, you have. Pray you peruse that letter. You must not now deny it is your hand. Write from it if you can, in hand or phrase, Or say ’tis not your seal, not your invention. 355 You can say none of this. Well, grant it then, And tell me, in the modesty of honor, Why you have given me such clear lights of favor? Bade me come smiling and cross-gartered to you, To put on yellow stockings, and to frown 360 Upon Sir Toby and the lighter people? And, acting this in an obedient hope, Why have you suffered me to be imprisoned, Kept in a dark house, visited by the priest, And made the most notorious geck and gull 365 That e’er invention played on? Tell me why. OLIVIA Alas, Malvolio, this is not my writing, Though I confess much like the character. But out of question, ’tis Maria’s hand. And now I do bethink me, it was she 370 First told me thou wast mad; then cam’st in smiling, And in such forms which here were presupposed Upon thee in the letter. Prithee, be content. This practice hath most shrewdly passed upon thee. But when we know the grounds and authors of it, 375 Thou shalt be both the plaintiff and the judge Of thine own cause. FABIAN Good madam, hear me speak, And let no quarrel nor no brawl to come Taint the condition of this present hour, 380 Which I have wondered at. In hope it shall not, Most freely I confess, myself and Toby Set this device against Malvolio here, Upon some stubborn and uncourteous parts We had conceived against him. Maria writ 385 The letter at Sir Toby’s great importance, In recompense whereof he hath married her. How with a sportful malice it was followed May rather pluck on laughter than revenge, If that the injuries be justly weighed 390 That have on both sides passed. OLIVIA, to Malvolio Alas, poor fool, how have they baffled thee! FOOL Why, “some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrown upon them.” I was one, sir, in this interlude, one Sir Topas, sir, 395 but that’s all one. “By the Lord, Fool, I am not mad”—but, do you remember “Madam, why laugh you at such a barren rascal; an you smile not, he’s gagged”? And thus the whirligig of time brings in his revenges. 400 MALVOLIO I’ll be revenged on the whole pack of you! He exits. OLIVIA He hath been most notoriously abused. ORSINO Pursue him and entreat him to a peace. Some exit. He hath not told us of the Captain yet. When that is known, and golden time convents, 405 A solemn combination shall be made Of our dear souls.—Meantime, sweet sister, We will not part from hence.—Cesario, come, For so you shall be while you are a man. But when in other habits you are seen, 410 Orsino’s mistress, and his fancy’s queen. All but the Fool exit. FOOL sings When that I was and a little tiny boy, With hey, ho, the wind and the rain, A foolish thing was but a toy, For the rain it raineth every day. 415 But when I came to man’s estate, With hey, ho, the wind and the rain, ’Gainst knaves and thieves men shut their gate, For the rain it raineth every day. But when I came, alas, to wive, 420 With hey, ho, the wind and the rain, By swaggering could I never thrive, For the rain it raineth every day. But when I came unto my beds, With hey, ho, the wind and the rain, 425 With tosspots still had drunken heads, For the rain it raineth every day. A great while ago the world begun, With hey, ho, the wind and the rain, But that’s all one, our play is done, 430 And we’ll strive to please you every day. He exits.